What Does It Feel Like?

What does it feel like to have everything you could ever need? Comforting. Peaceful. Complete.
What does it feel like to know you are completely in love? Wonderful. Scary. Wonderful.
What does it feel like to know that once, everything you did was all she needed, and now nothing you do is right? Terrible. Heartbreaking. Upsetting. Painful.
There was a time I could do no wrong. She loved me so much. She was always there for me. Always open with me. We were perfect together. I still had a lot to learn about being a good husband, being everything for her, but she still loved me with everything she had.
Now, after many mistakes, many disagreements, many arguments, things are different. I am different. I feel I am becoming a good husband. I feel like I can do everything she wants and needs. But is it too late? My life is her and the children. I'm trying to show her that. I'm trying to do everything I can to be there and be the husband and father that I should be. But there is damage. Damage she can't forgive. She says she wants us to work. She says she misses me. It's upsetting that all of the issues we have been through has somewhat changed her and changed her views of me. She is a wonderful woman. She has so much love to give, and believe me, it is a wonderful love. Her love is electrifying. It is magical. Her love makes you believe you can do anything. I felt it. I know it. I've tried to show her what she means to me. I have also done a lot to make her question, make her lose faith. Can that be corrected? I am doing everything I can to show her. I'm not the person she fell in love with. I am better. I see my mistakes. I know not to make them again. Should what I've done wrong be forgotten? No. It should be there to show how far I have come, how much I am willing to do to be everything she needs. I know I can be the person to be by her side. For better or worse, I will continue to see what made me fall in love with her and I will continue to be the person she fell in love with, and more. If it's not enough? I don't know. I was enough. That makes me believe I still can be enough. I will not give up. Giving up, to me, means that none of this matters to me. She matters to me. The children matter to me. Giving up means she doesn't mean that much to me. She does. More than anyone will ever know. Is that enough? I hope so. I was, I still can be. But I don't want to be enough though. I want to be everything. I want to be more than she could ever dream. That is my goal. That is why I am still trying. I'm not going to quit on her. She means too much to me.

Malania, you are my life. You are that once in a lifetime love.

It All Comes Crashing Down

All Smiles, a photo by iLoveMalania on Flickr.

Things go so great. Everything seems to be coming together. We share good times, we have fun, we laugh, we talk, we share. In an instant its all gone again. One oversight. One forgotten exchange. No deciet meant, but trust lost, again. Everything comes crashing down. My mind thinks of wonderful things for us...and it also forgets something so simple. I mean to tell you, then something comes up and I forget. I have so much on my mind. I wish you could understand. I worry about us. I worry about you. I worry about your health. I worry about the kids. I think about work. I think about what we are planning to do. I think about vacation next year. I think about being next to you. I think about gas prices. I think about photo shoots. I think about holidays. I think about the house, the yard, cars, tires, bills, money, homework, birthdays, bugs, mice, decorations, clothes, baseball, football. All of those thoughts have you in them. Some things I forget to do. Like the tag that's still not on my car. Moving a box you wanted me to. A phone call. I mean to do those things, but sometimes my brain forgets to remind me. I'm sorry. I get upset at myself. I act crazy. I want to do the right thing but when I don't, I get so upset with myself because I know the consequenses. I know it is going to upset you and we are going to be pulled apart from how close we were becoming. It causes you to doubt. It causes you to pull away. And that is the last thing I want. It all comes crashing down. I wouldn't do something on purpose to make this happen. I want us to be close. I want us to be open. I want us to be us, not mine and yours. When something like this happens it kills me. You're not the only one who hurts. It makes me so frustrated to come so far and for this to happen. We have been through so much. I want you to know I will never do anything to deceive you. I will forget things. I'm human. There is no one for me but you. I want you to know that. I would give up everything for you. I would break my back to do everything I could for you. You may have to remind me at times, but I will do everything I can. That's why I get so upset. I know I wil do those things, it's getting you to believe in me that is the difficult part. Malania, I love you. I love you more than anything on earth. I don't want us to crash anymore. I want us to fly.

Photo Shoot I

Photo Shoot I, a photo by iLoveMalania on Flickr.

I love our family. There is nowhere I would rather be or no one I would rather be with.

A Night Out

Red Devon, a photo by iLoveMalania on Flickr.

I have so much fun going on photo shoots with you. I never knew I could enjoy doing things with someone so much. you make every little trip so much fun. Being lucky enough to get to spend my life with you is more than anyone could ever dream of. I love you more than anything.

Egg Love

Egg Love, a photo by iLoveMalania on Flickr.

Thoughts....

...here we are. Us. Together. We have come so far. We have so much farther to go. We have laughed. We have cried. We have travelled. We have shared our lives together. We have welcomed new life. We have stood on top of mountains. We have walked through creeks. We have had adventure. We have fought. We have made up. We have photographed. I know "we" are much stronger than "I". We have chances. We have tomorrows. We have love. We have the future. We have us.

I love you Malania.

Steady

Steady, a photo by iLoveMalania on Flickr.

Another fun day at the zoo with you. I always have fun when we go places. As long as we are together, anything fun is possible. You brighten my world. I love you so much.

Thank You

Half, a photo by iLoveMalania on Flickr.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for trying so hard. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for being there through rough times. Thank you for being a wonderful mother. Thank you for all the places we go together. Thank you for all the things we do together. Thank you for being the person you are. I love you more than I could ever explain.