Is There...

Is there still love there? If so, please let me know somehow. My feelings for you are the same. I love you. I always will. Please tell me what your heart says. 

I've Always Said...

...that you are the most amazingly beautiful woman on earth. You are. Of the time we were together, I've probably told you that ten thousand times. Because it's true. You are flawless. You are the most perfectly cut diamond. From the top of your head to the tip of your toes, perfect. 

I've always said it. I've always known it. 

Because it's true. 

?

Do you miss me at all?

Unconditional

adjective

1. not limited by conditions; absolute: an unconditional promise.

2. absolute 

My love for you was and is. It didn't matter if you were happy, sad, mad, I loved you. It didn't matter if you did something I didn't like. I loved you. It didn't matter of you did something to upset me. I still loved you. Nothing you do or did could make me stop loving you. 

Because, my love for you is...

...unconditional. 

I Loved

I loved you. I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone or anything. I loved you so much, you became my life. Never, has anyone been my life. I never felt what I felt with you. I have never given so much of myself to anyone as I gave to you. I was never scared of losing someone so much as I was you. In my heart, you were my forever. I loved you when you were happy. I loved you when you were sad. I loved you when you were mad at me. I loved you when you thought no one else did. 

I loved you. I loved you so much. I'm sorry I didn't show it all the time. But I did. With all of my heart. 

And I still do. 

From My Heart

I will always fight for you. I compromised with you about a lot. Sometimes it took longer than it should have, but I always tried to make you happy. I would sacrifice anything for you. Anything. 

I miss you. God I miss you. I always did and I still do. No matter where I was, and for how long, I missed you. A few minutes, a few hours, and now...I've always missed you. 

I believed in us. We were so good together. I knew we could make it through anything. You said it too. "Together, we can make it through anything". I never have up on us. I still haven't. 

I wanted forever with you. I still do. I always wanted to be there for you. Sometimes I wasn't and I regret every second. I never wanted to leave you, for anything. And I don't want to live without you. Being with you has shown me a piece of heaven. 

The Rough

It's so hard not hearing from you. I miss that so much. I hope after all of this, we can communicate again. I'm not sure if it will happen, but I want to so bad. I hate this. I hate where we are. I didn't want this. It's killing me. Literally. 

You are so special to me. You always will be. I hope someday you remember how I once made you smile. You are a beautiful person. 

Commitment

I committed to you. December 2010. To always be yours. All of me. My body. My heart. My soul. To always love you. To never want another. To always care for you. To always fight for you. To give my life for you. 

I committed. Nothing has changed. 

It never will. 

You

So Many Tears

Yes, I cried. So many times. Good tears and bad ones. When I thought about what it was like being with you, holding you, feeling your love, just knowing I was where I was supposed to be, that my life had meaning, that I was with the most amazing woman, I cried. Those tears, those were good ones. When Parker was born. Watching you. Holding you during the delivery. Seeing you deliver our son. Your strength. Your love. Good tears. 

Our fights. Seeing the pain in your eyes. Hearing it in your voice. Bad tears. Hearing you say I'm not good enough. Wanting a divorce. Your broken heart. Your surgeries. Your struggle. Bad tears. Missing you. Wanting you. Needing you. Still loving you. Bad tears. 

I cried during the good times. I cried during the bad. The emotions I feel for you, I have never felt. I tried to explain to you what being with you felt like and meant to me.

It meant everything. 

 

I Know

I know you think I didn't care. I always did. I cared so much. I knew you hurt. I knew you were always in pain. You hid it well sometimes. Sometimes I could just look at you and see. I always wanted to help you. I hated knowing that you lived with so much discomfort. I wanted to fix you. I wanted you better. You have a beautiful stomach. But all that pain inside it was crushing for me. That's why I would always kiss your tummy, or when I held you from behind, I wanted my hands on your tummy. I wanted you to know that I knew. I always knew. That was my way of showing you I won't forget what you are going through. You are too beautiful and too wonderful to be in so much pain. 

I always knew. I always wanted to help. 

About You

I always tried to tell you how special you are to me. Sometimes I didn't show it very well. But God I knew it. When I would look at you and you would get mad at me for staring, I wasn't trying to be rude or make you feel uncomfortable, I was just in awe of you. You are so amazing. Following every curve of your perfect face, every strand of hair, I was mesmerized. How could someone so perfect be right next to me? Your eyes glistened. Your beautiful mind never stopped. Your soft, flawless skin. Malania, you were every wish, every dream, every hope. You were everything. 

You're not just a woman and a mother...

...you're an angel. 

And I know we are in a bad place right now. I hate it. I hate the things we say to each other. We are both upset. 

But I will always forgive you. 

And I will always love you. 

The Real Lie

I could say, I wish we never happened. I wish the last three years of my life could be erased. 

But it would be a lie. 

It was the best time of my life. Yes, there have been moments that were the worst of my life too, but they were just moments. Moments, in three years of so much joy, so much happiness. 

We WERE happy together. You can't deny that. All of those times spent together, laughing, smiling, holding. Adventures together, trips, walks, holidays, events, sports, photos, birth. None of that was a lie. It was real. It was us. It was how we were meant to be. You're lying to yourself if you didn't feel that too. 

I wish you would have forgiven me. I wish I wouldn't have done the things I did. We could be doing good, then something happens and your mind would go back. I wanted you to see what you meant to me. I was truly completely happy with you. I wanted so bad for you to feel that way with me. You did. But that feeling got buried in all the mistakes. 

Is it still in there? Buried inside you? I don't know. Sometimes I think it is. Sometimes I don't. I wish you would have believed in me. Trusted me to be your protector, your friend, your companion. I was truly happy with you. You were, are and always will be my world. 

Names

All the names and compliments I've called and said to you in the last three years:

Malania, Beautiful, Sexy, Hot, Stunning, Gorgeous, Amazing, Wonderful, Awesome, Girlfriend, Fiancé, Wife, Partner, Friend, Companion, Superwoman, Supermom, Wonderwoman, Creative, Smart, Brilliant, Loving, Caring, Special, Unique, Honey, Baby.......and Perfect. 

I still put you on a pedestal. Even today. 

Confused Again

How many times did I call you perfect? Do you remember? You should. So many times it got to you. "No I'm not". That's what you would say. Of course, nobody is perfect. Everyone has their flaws, their little insecurities, issues, etc. 

But you were perfect, to me. Because of the way you made me feel. They way you did things. The way you tried. Your effort. Your heart. Your voice. Your smile. I tried and tried to make you believe that you are irreplaceable to me. You are. 

Because you are perfect. To me. And I do love you, still. With all of my heart. Even after all of this. I do. Always. 

True Love

True love, complete, total, pure, undying, unconditional love, doesn't just stop. I still love you with all of my heart. I always will. Love hurts sometimes. Love is worry. Love is beautiful. Love is emotion. Love is kind. Love is harsh. But if it's real, it will always be there. It's real for me. Sure, lies hurt. Sure, broken promises hurt. Everyone lies. Everyone breaks promises. We are human. We make mistakes. It's the substance of the lies and broken promises that matter. Were they done to hurt you intentionally? Or were they done trying to help and fix problems?

I'm still here, trying to fix problems. I promised I would be. I tried. I waited. I pleaded. I begged. It didn't have to be this way. It could have been stopped. 

Always And Forever

"If you really love her, you wont hurt her". 

I did really love you. And I still do. People do things and hurt others doing it. Were they trying to? No. You have to look at what they did to hurt you. I lied and broke promises. But what I was doing was trying to help us. It was the wrong thing to do, but I was just trying to help. Walking out was to not fight. Cool off. Think. Was I wrong to lie and break promises about them? Yes. But I did those things with good intentions. Not to hurt you. You have lied and broke promises too. But I was always willing to forgive you and see past it and continue working on "us". 

"Real love stories never have endings."

Ours shouldn't have either. If it was real love. My love for you is real. Why? Because it's still there. Stronger than ever. I will always be in love with you. No matter what. You are my Cinderella. 

"I gave you my heart but it was never enough."

Yes it was. You were enough. Even at the end, being with you was enough. I knew you had other people to talk to and want to meet, but just being with you was enough. Sure it hurt knowing that. But I wasn't going to give up trying. You mean too much to me. That's the truth. 

I told you that you were everything. You would always be my only true love for the rest of my life. You will always have my heart. You will always have me. 

You do. You have all of me forever. No one is getting into my heart ever again. It is protected...

...by your memory. By the most heavenly name on earth, yours. 

And That's It

Attorneys

Courtrooms

Fighting

Arguing

Pain

Hurt

It wasn't supposed to be like this. 

I didn't want this. 

We were supposed to show Parker and the other kids we could still do things together. Like it has been since the divorce. Like it was the nine months between filing and hearing. Like it was the months after. All those things we did together. Baseball games, Redhawks and the kids. Tennis. Disney. Photo trips. Shopping. Turner Falls. Breakfasts, lunches, dinners. Together. That's how it was supposed to be. Because we did good things together, as a "family". 

I'm so sorry. 

10 AM

This is it. Last hour for reconciliation. Last chance to work this out ourselves. At ten, the retainer is paid and it's out of my hands. I had hoped we could do this ourselves. 

Still In Disbelief

It was supposed to work. We had so much potential. We had everything in front of us. We were great together. So much in common. How could it fall apart so badly? If you could just remember our good times. So many more good times than bad. God. And now, chaos. Destruction. 

But you will always be a part of me. 

Always in my heart, and over it. 

I think you know what I mean. That "something" I didn't get the chance to tell you. 

It Starts

I didn't want this to happen. I'm scared of what will come of all of this. But, it's not me I'm scared for. I tried to talk to you about this. We could have avoided all of this. It is very hard for me. Why? I love you.  I'm still in love with you. I know you have problems but I was willing to deal with it because our good days were awesome. They were. Trust me. We were incredible when things were good. And there were so many more good days than bad. I'm sorry you couldn't see that. When you truly love someone, you see through the bad and focus on the good. At least that's how I think. 

So, remember...you wanted this. 

I didn't. 

I'm Here

Yes, I still think about you. I still worry about you. I wonder what crafts you are working on. I wonder if you have any pain. How the kids are doing. I still care. And if you ever just want to talk, vent about something, anything, I'm here for you. 

Anything You Wanted

...and then you turned your hand over and dumped me out. 

Failure

Sacrifice

I tried so hard for you. I know you don't think it, but I did. Sure, I tried the wrong things sometimes, but they were done with the right intentions. I never thought bad of you. Never blamed anything on you. I held you in the highest standards. I wish you could have seen through all of my faults, like you did in the beginning, and look into my heart. 

You would have seen you. 

My Love

I loved you the first time I saw you. 

I loved you more, every day after that. 

I love you more today than ever. 

And I will love you tomorrow even more. 

I will always love you. 

Until the day I die. 

I wanted

I wanted you in my life. You were and still are my life. I wanted to be a part of yours. A part of everything. You and the kids are all that matter to me. I have nothing without you and them. You never had to fight to keep me. I was always going to be yours. I still am. 

Perfect?

I'm not a bad man. Yes, I made mistakes. Everyone does. There are no perfect relationships. Things happen. But is how you get through them and continue to build and to not just give up. I never stopped loving you. I never gave up. And you have to see, we had really good times together. More good than bad. We were only just beginning. Things would have gotten better. I know it, because I would have never stopped trying. Ever. 

Meant To Be

I believe we were. You did too. We were perfect together. You can't say we weren't. We did everything together. We enjoyed being around each other. We loved going places. Watching movies together. Playing games together. Everything! Remember that. 

The Good

It is possible. If two people, who have so much in common, and truly enjoyed spending time together, if the don't give up, anything is possible. I'm not saying it will happen overnight. Keep communicating, working together to have a positive outlook, spend some time together to remind you of how good things were. Even if it's just a few hours out taking pictures together. That, you can't deny, was always a strong point for us. You said, "hang out, be friends". We should do that. Give yourself the chance to remember the good times. It wasn't all bad. 

Just give it a chance, please. 

Remember?

The Promise

Everyone

Everyone may think I'm stupid. Everyone may think they know. Everyone has their opinions. But not everyone knows you, not like I do. Things may get said out of anger, but nothing will make me hate you. I can't. You are my complete love. You still have my heart. You always will. You are still the amazing, incredible, uncomparable woman I fell in love with. 

And I'm still in love with you. I always will be. Because it is real. 

Never Give Up

The Right One

You had the right one. You had someone who would never give up on you. Someone who would always try to lift your spirits, put a smile on you face, make you laugh. Someone who would break his back to do the things you needed done. We have so much in common. We are two peas in a pod. I know you don't want to see it, but it's true. I would give anything for you. My life. Not because I get paid to do it, but because nothing would stop me from doing everything I can to keep you and the kids out of harm. There is nothing else to stop me. The seven of you are my only priority. Ever. Forever. 

And the something you would ask me about, and what I thought upset you a little...is done. Always and forever. I meant it. 

Always

I know you. I know who you are. I know what matters to you. I know what upsets you. I know your hobbies. I know your favorite foods. I know your past. I know your dreams. I know your hopes. I know your heart. I know your compassion. I know your pain. I know your schedule. I know you. And knowing all of that...

...I love you. Completely. Never ending. I told you that you were the one. I told you forever. I told you no matter what, I would love you until I die. I haven't stopped. And I never will. And yes, I love YOU. Not because of the way you look, but because of the woman I KNOW. 

You are my world. You are my everything. There is no bad mouthing you. Ask anyone. All you will hear is how wonderful he says you are. How sweet and giving. How you are his one, true love and no matter what happens, he won't stop loving you. 

The truth IS out.

My love for you will always be. It's just waiting for you to truly accept it. 

Hate?

Hate. A very strong word. If you are a genuinely loving person, you shouldn't hate anyone. You may hate things they do, how they act, etc. Especially if at one point you were in love with them, hate should never come up. I was happy. I was satisfied. I was completely at peace when you would say "I'm in love with you" and "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you". That was it. I was finished. I had found the one. No more looking. No more comparing. You were everything. 

"I, personally do not think a person can go from love to hate so quickly.  Maybe you hate something that they did or said.  But real love is still there.  At times, people are so angry that they think they hate something or even someone when in fact, its the anger." Your quote. Real love is still there, if it was real. For me, it was. Unbelievably, it still is. After everything, I'm still in love with you. Am I stupid for feeling that way? To me, no. Because it is real. 

"Forever is thrown around to loosely  in today's time.  Men use "forever" to get what they want." Ummm, no. Maybe pigs and perverts. Not me. When I told you forever, I meant it. Old and gray. Hand in hand. Forever. What did I want when I told you forever? You. Forever. No hidden agenda. No games. Us. Forever. Grand kids. Sitting in a swing. Playing bingo. Watching baseball. Anything. 

What did I do to make you "hate men" and become "bitter and resentful"? I think other people in your life made you that way more than me. People who's names begin with J, R, and S. I always tried to tell you, "worry about what's under your roof, not what people think, not what's on your phone". Open your eyes and look at all you have. 

I know you. I know the kind of person you are. You are a sweet, kind, beautiful, amazing, loving person and mother. You have been through a lot, but that shouldn't change who you are. I never wanted to change you. Why would I want to change someone so wonderful? 

I love you because I know you. I've seen who you are. I've seen you work. I've seen you play. I've seen you stressed. I've seen you angry. I've seen you sad. I've seen you love. It has nothing to do with how amazingly beautiful you are. That would be so wrong. Shallow. I would have always been here for you. You would have never been "alone". You say I made you feel that way, but you were never alone. Even when I was gone, you weren't alone. The love I felt for you, if you would have just believed in it, was always there. I loved holding your hand, coming home to you and kissing you goodnight. I also loved waking in the middle of the night and seeing you next to me. I felt so blessed and honored to be next to you. They say there are three or four people for each of us???? No. True, undying, complete love...there is only one, at least for me. Sure, I have thought I was in love before, but feeling what I felt with you, the complete satisfaction of knowing, that was once in a lifetime. 

Things may change, I did. For you. I found the reason I was put on this earth. I have up my "obsessions". I gave up caring about things that didn't matter. Who was doing what. Who had what. I had you, or so I thought. That was all I needed. You and six wonderful children. That was all I needed. I wish you could understand that people change for the better. I did. Sure, I made mistakes. I'm human. But I know loving you was not one of them. 

So, as crazy as it sounds, and to the disbelief of many, I am still completely in love with you. If you said "come home", I would do it in a heartbeat. Because I truly love you and care about you. I told you that you were my forever. You are. 

No. I don't hate you. I love you completely. 

I have nothing.

It's interesting. You always say I thought about me. I did what I wanted to do. I never cared about you like I should have. I didn't think of you like I should have. 

When you told me to leave this last time, did you notice that what I took with me was basically what I brought in with me when I moved in. I never really bought anything for myself. It was more important for me to do for you. I had what I wanted. I had all I needed. You even would say it. "It will be easy to pack, you don't have much." Material things, no, I don't. I had something even more valuable than anything. I had you. I had an amazing family. Three years, and I basically have what I started with. 

I had a home. I helped get things for this home. I had a wife I would do anything for, sometimes the wrong things, but with the right intentions. I had six wonderful children. None of which I can see anymore. I can't even talk to them. I provided as best I could. My blood, sweat and tears are in that house. I worked hard to make it the best I could. Building, painting, digging. Sure, there were things I would have liked to have. But what was more important to me was making sure you had things you wanted and needed. 

Yes, my mistakes caused us to not be together anymore. You lost too. You lost someone who would never give up on you. Someone who put you on a pedestal. Someone who always tried to inspire you. Someone who doesn't have prior responsibilities to concern himself with, there's only you and the kids. No kids from a previous relationship to worry about. Nothing but you and the kids. But if you think I took more than I gave, I think you need to take a look around at what you have, then look at what I left with. Even now, I can't stop giving. I will always want to help you, provide as much as I can for you. I'm not stupid. People may think I am for still trying to give you more than you ask for. But I made a promise. I made it three years ago this May. To provide for you. I promised it again recently. I will always be here to help you. 

I know I broke promises. But look at the promises I broke. Lying to you. What did I lie about? Stopping the running to others. It took longer than it should have, but it's been two years since I last did that. But it still comes up. I was wrong to do it in the first place. Walking out. I've explained why I did that. I'm sorry you don't understand my reasons. I didn't want to fight. I needed to think before I said something I didn't want to. Still, wrong to do. Should I have left? No. Walk outside. Yes. Those broken promises. Bad? Yes. Marriage ending? In most cases, no. I didn't cheat on you. I didn't lay a hand on you in anger. I didn't lie about drinking or smoking. I didn't lie about my feelings for you. "To have and to hold, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part". Not a lie. I always held you, even when you didn't want me to. I was by your side when you were sick. I always told you it didn't matter if you were three hundred pounds, lost all your hair or were paralyzed, I was going to love you and want you always. You never believed me. Why you would think I just wanted to be with you because you are beautiful is beyond me. You are beautiful, but your beauty inside is why I love you as much as I do. I did everything I could financially for us. We weren't rich, but we weren't poor either. It hurt to hear you say we were poor. We had a house, food, clothes, and enough to provide fun times for us and the children. That's not poor. 

I love you. I will always be in love with you. You will always be a princess to me. I hope someday you see how much I did try for you, to do things to make you happy. Just look what you have, then look what I have. I never asked for anything but your love and understanding, and sometimes your patience.  Pardon me, I did make a big deal about names. That was my mistake. I wasn't trying to change who you were. All I wanted was you. You were all I could ever need. You thought the same about me too. 

And even still....

...after even more bullshit, I still love you. Why? Because I know you aren't mean. I know you aren't vindictive. You are hurt. You are not lonely. You are loved. By me.