If I Should Die Before I Wake

If I should die before I wake

It's 'cause you took my breath away

Losing you is like living in a world with no air

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave

My heart won't move, it's incomplete

Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me

to live alone with just me

'Cause my world revolves around you

It's so hard for me to breathe 

No One Wins

http://youtu.be/_JASxa17vqc

I never meant to start a war

You know I never want to hurt you

I Just Want You To Know

http://youtu.be/SxjIWoa7Dgc

Again

http://youtu.be/NUH-GsxCKzg

Thinking Of You

When I'm all alone or in a crowd

In a quiet place or where music's loud

If I'm on the road, or in the other room

That's how you know, I'm thinkin' of you

When the flowers bloom, when the leaves turn brown

when the sun is hot, when the snow falls down, down

when the clouds are gray, and the sky's are blue

that's how you know, I'm thinkin' of you

I'm thinkin of you, that's all I do all the time

You're always the first and the last thing on this heart of mine

No matter where I go or what I do, 

I'm thinkin' of you. 

Can't remember names, who I used to be

what I cared about before you came to me, baby

Every selfish thought, all I thought I knew

has been replaced with thinkin' of you. 

I'm thinkin of you, that's all I do all the time

You're always the first and the last thing on this heart of mine

No matter where I go or what I do, 

I'm thinkin' of you. 

Always thinkin' of you, yes I am.

Your Birthday

I'm sorry, if this isn't about me, my apologies. Your post "Pain". You are my love. My only one. You are everything to me. I am not trying to hurt you at all. I'm only yelling you how wonderful you are to me. I'm not bad mouthing you or any of that. If I have said something to upset you, please tell me what it was. That, was never my intent. I try and give you confidence, support and love. I'm not going to try and tear you down, one, you don't deserve it, and two, it would hurt me just as much you. I didn't try to ruin your birthday. I sent you a happy birthday text at around 7am that day. I posted to Instagram and my blog wishing you a happy birthday. I brought you gifts, a card and cupcakes. I know they weren't much, but they were given thinking of you. Again, if it's not about me, my apologies. I just don't want you thinking I don't care about you or love you more than anything. Because I do. 

If

Malania, if you read these, please text me, call me, anything. I can't give up. You are worth everything to me. I care about you and love you so much. We can have good times again. All of this arguing and fighting was all a big mistake. Why would I want what we had to end? With all of my heart, I never tried to decieve you or lie to you or make you feel unwanted. You know that. You know I can't. I knew what would happen if I did, that's why I couldn't. In your heart, you know what you mean to me. Please listen to it. Please remember how happy we were again. 

Talk to me, please. 

I love you. 

Instantly

It was like that. Remember? It still is with me. God Malania, please remember that. Remember saying "I hate when you leave. I never know when I will see you or hear from you again". Now it's me wondering if I will ever even get a simple "hey, what are you doing" text. Please don't give up. Remember all the things we talked about doing when things were good. All of those things I wanted to do. I hope somewhere in your heart you do too. 

Please

Just a simple "hey". 

Please. 

Anything

Please text me. We can talk about anything or nothing. Your day. How you are feeling. Your pains. The kids. The dogs. The weather. Baseball. Anything. Just normal stuff. Or, just say "hey". Something as simple as that. I will just say hey back. If you want to say more, that's up to you. I will answer you. Any hour. I care. I love you. 

Poke

I miss your pokes. I think it was up to 45 in a row. I miss getting my butt kicked at Yahtzee. You're "hey" texts. I keep hoping you will see what you mean to me. I'm here anytime if you want to talk. I'll always answer. I love you very much. 

Dream

I dreamed that you messaged me last night and it said "I miss you". I woke up, looked at my phone. Nothing. I broke down and cried. God it hurts. 

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Malania. You are an amazing woman. Even though you are a year older, you look more amazing than ever. You still look like a teenager. I hope you have a great day. I love you very much. 

Today

Today hurt. More than you will ever know, it fucking hurt. I don't know if you even know why it did or if you even care. I know you have a heart, so, somewhere in there, I know you would understand why. 

But today hurt really fucking bad. 

Work

My job is very strenuous. It is very physical. It's non stop. It kicks my butt every day. I am sore. I have cuts. I have bruises. I sweat for eight hours plus. I have to stay with it, no matter what. It's the job you wanted me to have. The job you said you would be happy if I got. It will make me stronger, physically and mentally. I will have stability. I know if I stay with it, it will make me stronger financially. It is difficult though. The whole time I'm there, and the other sixteen hours of the day, all I think about is you. Seeing things you would love to have. Thinking of all the times we have gone to Hobby Lobby. So yes, I need this job, but it kills me thinking. It kills me not seeing nice messages from you on break and lunch, like you used to do. Hearing about your day, things you want to do, the way you missed me and loved me. Once again I'm in hell. But I guess that's where I have to be. I tried to be your everything. I tried so hard. It's hard to believe, how close we were again, and now to be even further apart than before. I really hope you see how much I tried for you. How much I love you and would give up everything to have that closeness back. 

I love you Malania. Always have, always will. 

My All

I gave you my all. All I wanted was to be with you. To try and show you how special you are to me. To be there whenever you needed or wanted me there. To provide for you whenever I possibly could. Every chance, I was there for you. If you asked me to come see you and I said, no, I can't, I have other things to do, that would have killed you. You would be thinking, something more important than me? That wouldn't happen. I was doing everything I could to see you whenever possible. I wanted to show you that nothing was more important than being there for you. You ask, I drop whatever I'm doing and I'm there for you. Because you are the most important thing in my life. I gave you my honesty. I didn't hide anything, lie or do anything to make you doubt my feelings of wanting to be with you or loving you. I tried so hard to make you happy because I didn't want to lose you again. I'm sorry my all isn't enough. At times, it was. I just wanted you to believe in me. Because yes, you are my everything. You're perfect. I really wish you knew what you mean to me. If you could see in my brain and heart, there would be no doubt. It would be, oh my god, you really do think the world of me. But that can't happen. All I can do is hope someday you realize I was honest, I was open, I was trying so hard for you, because you are worth it. I would give up everything for you, because without you, I have nothing. 

I love you so much. Please believe that. 

Drive

When I leave work, I go down I-240. When I used to leave work with my other job, I would go the same way. Now, it's just not the same. It's heartbreaking. It's sickening. Because now, my destination is different. I would be so happy on my way home. I was on my way to the most wonderful woman and awesome kids anyone could ever want. Being a part of something so amazing was the best feeling. The drive always felt so long, because I couldn't wait to get there. Now, I don't drive home. I don't feel like I have a home anymore. In my heart, my home is with you and the kids. That's where my happiness is. 

Worth

I know what you are worth to me. You are worth my life, my love, my blood, sweat, tears, effort, trust, heart. You are worth my honesty to you. I cannot and will not lie to you. I promised you I never would again. I promised to be open with you and tell you my thoughts, as you did with me. You are worth not giving up on. You are worth more to me than you will ever realize. I just wish you believed it. Hopefully someday you will. I wish I was worth something to you still. It felt good when you depended on me again. 

I always loved you and I always will. 

If You Care

I miss you. So terribly bad. I hope we can work on friends again. You are the most important part of my life. I love you very much. 

Once It Was

Where are you?

What are you doing?

Are you coming here?

When will you be here?

Hurry. 

I miss you. 

Do you miss me?

I love you. 

Do you love me?

I had so much fun today. 

You're so sweet. 

I wish you didn't have to go. 

I think that someone is you. 

All gone. How can it just stop?

Remember what you felt saying all those things. 

I remember how it made me feel. 

Actions speak louder than words. True. That's why I'm still trying. I haven't stopped. That's why I will keep my promises to you, even though it's like this now. I never stopped loving you. I never stopped being there for you. Even when you were with someone else. Remember?

I love you. I always will. 

Nervous

I'm so nervous at times like this. When I haven't seen you for a while, I never know what to expect. I want things to go good. I know we can be. I know we can joke, laugh, talk, all the good things. That's how I hope it will be. I always want it to be a good time. I never want to argue with you. I want to make you smile. I want you to remember how good we can be. I love you so much. 

Stunning

You are beautiful. You know I know it. You know I think of you as the most gorgeous, amazing woman on earth. Just thought I would say that again here, since I can't comment on the actual picture. 

So amazingly beautiful. 

Every Second

I miss you. Always. That's why I try to talk to you. I miss it. I miss hearing the little things that go on in your life. I care about you. I've tried to show you. When something was wrong, I tried to help, with support. Whether it was words to calm you, a hug to let you know I love being with you, money when you worried or needed something, gifts to make you smile, or just listen to let you know I understand you are upset and I will always believe in you and no one else. You are always on my mind. That's why I try to talk to you. That's why I try to see you whenever possible. That's why I did anything to be with you, even be dishonest to family, not you. I wasn't going to let anything get in the way of spending time with you. Any way I could to see you, I was going to do, because being together with you and having the fun we had, was more important than anything else. You are worth my time. Every second. I hope you can see that. Any time you needed me, I was there. When you were having a bad day, I would bring a sundae or cupcakes or something to try and cheer you up. You are worth every effort. You are worth every mile. You are worth every second. You are amazing, and we were amazing when we were doing things together. 

Always Trying, Still

I made time for you. I didn't make any excuses. When you wanted me there, I was there. I wasn't too busy for you. I didn't say I can't because I have something more important to do. Every possible moment I could spend with you, I did. I didn't care if I drove there just to see you for fifteen minutes. It was worth it. I didn't lie to you. When you needed help, I did everything I could. And you did too. If you think I lied or made excuses to NOT be with you, I'm sorry, but that isn't true. You know I would rather be with you than anywhere. The only excuses i make are finding ways to be close so I can see you. I love you more than life. 

New Visions

I've been lots of places. Some amazing and beautiful, some just your everyday place. But the places I've been with you, even places I've been before, have been so much more amazing when you are with me. You make going somewhere so much better Than I could ever imagine. You are magical. I hope we can enjoy places together again. I love you Malania.