Things

I miss you so much. I don't know if you care or not. But I do. Waking up next to you. Hearing you blowdry your hair in the mornings. Talking sports. Talking photography. Lunch. Dinner. Your ideas. Holding your hand. Rubbing your back. Kissing your lips. The little point on your upper lip. Your beautiful belly button. Your menus. Laundry. Your pillows. Everything. Every little thing you did was my life. And I loved it so much. 

I hope you care. 

Even after...

...all of this. The silence. All the other guys you talk to or see. All the names. You not caring. After all of that...

...I still love you more than anything on earth. I still care about you more than anything. 

Is that desperation? No. That is devotion. That is commitment. That is true love in the purest sense. 

I would still give anything for you. After everything, if you had done everything to me what I did to you, I would hold you in my arms, look you in the eyes, and tell you...

"...we will be ok, I know you were trying anything you could to keep us together and not to fight with me. And for that, I appreciate your effort, it meant you cared about us and would do anything to save us, and I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for trying so hard. I love you honey, I always will."

Why? Because people make mistakes. Even the marriages that last a lifetime go through really bad times. But they don't give up on each other. I never did. People will do anything to help and try to save something that is so special to them. Do they do everything the right way? No. But they try. If it is a lie or broken promise, it's not to hurt that person, it's to hide their own flaws, but it doesn't mean they don't love that person. 

What I'm trying to say, I wouldn't have given up on you. We had something really special. We had real fun together. We loved being together. And that's not something you just give up on. 

Time

It's time to go for help. The silence is too much. I didn't stay to have this happen. I stayed to be close, to be here for you like I promised you. Now, you won't even talk. 

Protect

I know you want to feel protected, safe, and have someone to make you feel that way. Honey, you had the right person with me. A uniform doesn't make you courageous. I'm sorry you put so much into someone who wears one. I'm not scared to die for you. I don't need a uniform to protect you. Never did. Never will. 

You know I've never been in a fight. Does that make me bad? Does that make me weak? No. Because I haven't needed to be. Do you think maybe no one wants to fight me? And yes, I have been in a fight. Once. He opened my car door and kicked me in the face. I stepped out. I warned him. He kept on. Maybe six to eight swings. He never touched me. I didn't want to hit him. It wasn't worth it. I told him you don't want to do this. He got the hint and left. 

Just think if it was someone trying to hurt you. There would be no stopping me. You have no idea what I'm capable of if you or the kids were threatened. You haven't seen it. For the sake of whoever tried, they don't want to see it either. 

I don't know why you think a uniform makes someone more protective or a better person. If that day ever comes when someone tried to do something to you or the kids, they will never do it again if I'm there or I find out. With me, that is how it was. I hope to hell you realize that. 

Reasons Pt. 9

"Romance might seem like a pastime for the young or dating. Truly, romance is for everyone, especially married people who want to keep their marriage fresh and new. Yes, the honeymoon period will end, and you'll have to face the realities of a lifetime of responsibilities. But love will die if you don't nourish it. Romance is the nourishment. Tell your spouse you love him or her in ways big and small. Kiss and hug. Do special things for each other. Make sure no one is taken for granted. Everyone should feel special and loved. Your marriage is your number one priority, and romancing your spouse is a great way to remind him or her."

God I was trying. Always trying to be as close to you as I could. Always kissing you, wanting to hold you, telling you I love you and what you mean to me. Always wanting to be a part of what was going on, from photos to just going with you to Walmart. I was always trying to help you any way I could. Helping clean, helping with laundry, cooking, dishes, homework, yard work, anything. I wanted you to know how special it was being there with you and for you. Bringing you new socks, new boots, clothes, candy. Surprising you with Starbucks. I just wanted to see you smile. I wanted to make you feel good. Rubbing your back anytime I could. I wanted to relax you. Heal your pain. Calm you. The problem was the past. Every time you thought about it, you would get upset. I wish you knew how bad I felt for putting you through everything I did. I just wanted you to know that I knew that, and I was trying everything to show you that the bad was over and we could build a new future together, one filled with joy, compassion, love, understanding, honesty, trust and the hope of many more years of companionship. If the roles were reversed, I would have believed in you. I wouldn't have given up. I would have seen that you were trying anything to save us and not argue. I would have seen all the steps you were taking to make things right, to correct all your mistakes. Why? Because I completely love you. I always will. Yes, good things take time. We have time. It was only going to get better. 

Reasons Pt. 8

"You don't have to forget the ways you have been done wrong or the experiences that are shaping your opinions and your relationship. But you must learn to forgive your spouse, especially if he or she is genuinely trying to rectify the situation by apologizing and taking steps to fix the mistake or bad behavior. Even if your spouse does something awful that ends your relationship, you still have to find a way to forgive him or her. You don't have to do it for them. But you must do it for yourself. Anger and resentment will eventually wear you down."

I just wanted you to see me for who I really am, who I have become. Being with you, I learned what was important in life. Worrying about what was going on in other peoples lives, celebrities, stupid shit like that, didn't matter anymore. What was important was what we had under our roof. My priority was you and the kids. That's it. And it still is. I didn't want you thinking I wanted out, there was someone better or someplace better I wanted to be. I just wanted to be there with you. Plain and simple. I wish my past didn't weigh so heavy on your brain. All I wanted was a future with you. I know there are things you can't forget, but I had hoped all the effort I was trying to show you would help you see that I was trying for you. I wanted to be a positive role model, but when the past would come up, it would upset me. 

Reasons Pt. 7

"Compromising is an essential part of life - for everything from getting promoted at work to having a successful marriage. You can't always get your way, but you should be able to discuss your needs and desires. And your spouse should be able to discuss his or hers. Then, together, you must find ways to negotiate and reach a middle ground that satisfies both of you. If you can't do this, you or your partner (or worse, both of you) will start to build resentment. This will serve as a poison that could kill your marriage."

A big one. Compromise. We butted heads so many times. My past. I shouldn't have gotten so upset when you questioned. I should have sat you down, as many times as it took, and reassured you that you were my new beginning. You were my life and I didn't need anything else. Names. Instead of arguing and fighting over names, we should have sat down and talked. Looking back, it was a non-issue. A name doesn't make a marriage. Being together does. The name of a child shouldn't matter. He is still our son. Without those two issues, the broken promises and walking out would never have happened. 

Reasons Pt. 6

"The way you fight with one another can set the tone for your marriage. Listen, there's no way you can avoid fighting. You're going to disagree, and you're going to have to confront one another about it. It's actually part of a healthy marriage. But it won't be healthy at all if you are the kind of fighter who smacks your partner or calls him or her names. You have to learn to fight fairly in marriage just as you did on the playground in elementary school. Be a grown up and communicate without the low blows."

First, I would never lay a hand on you to hurt you. Ever. Second, I would never say anything negative about you or call you something you aren't. There were times you misunderstood what I was trying to say and you thought I was saying something mean or bad to you. I could never. You were my angel. I would always try and encourage you and remind you what a wonderful mother, an incredible wife, and just an all around beautiful person you are. I wasn't going to beat you down with names, I couldn't. You're too sweet for that. 

Reasons Pt. 5

"While you must make time to spend together, you also need some time to yourself. Loving and caring for yourself - from reading a favorite book to taking a walk to the store - allows you the chance to clear your mind and miss your spouse. If you are always together, you'll eventually smother one another. Plus, having separate hobbies, interests, or activities, gives you interesting things to discuss with one another once you are together again."

I hated leaving you and going to work. I missed you so much. At first, you missed me too. I remember coming home from work and when I would get close I would text you Kickapoooooo! You would reply yay!!! I loved that. I loved knowing you were excited to see me. The times we would argue or fight, I would leave. Not to abandon you, but to create space, a cool off period to think, so we didn't scream at each other. A time to figure out why we were arguing. It wasn't to make you feel lonely. I hated being away from you. If I knew the damage it was causing, God, if I only knew. 

Reasons Pt. 4

"Your in-laws probably stink. They make your life difficult and your marriage harder than it probably has to be. They are annoying and maybe even a little crazy. We get it. We've all been there. But talking badly about them or complaining about them to your spouse only hurts his or her feelings and does not resolve any issues. Vent to other people - from a therapist to your mom, but keep your spouse out of it. Be kind to your in-laws and when in-law issues come up that you must address with your spouse, remain calm and diplomatic. Period."

Big issue for us. In-laws. At first, things were good. I met your parents, you met mine. I know my parents loved you. They thought you were sweet, wonderful, strong, just a great woman. I'm not sure what your parents thought of me. I hoped they liked me. From what I saw of them in the beginning, they seemed like they cared about you. They would come help when you needed it. They were there for birthdays, inviting us out. Everything seemed normal. Then you told me your experiences. I was disgusted about the things you would say. I believed you. You wouldn't lie about things like that. I made the mistake, as said earlier, of thinking they cared. That's why I went to them for help. And like I said earlier, huge mistake. As time went on and other issues(sister) arose, I saw their true colors, all the things you told me, I saw. 

My parents. I made the mistake of not being open with them. They care about us. The care about the kids. Yes, they should have called you more to see how you were doing. They should have been more active in our lives, not just calling me, but trying to keep in touch with you too. They should have showed you more what you mean to them. They believed in us enough to help us buy a house. I'm sorry they didn't show you enough how much having you as a part of family meant to them. 

Reasons Pt. 3

"Few situations erode a marriage quite like infidelity or cheating. There's a simple solution. Only marry someone if you plan to be faithful forever. Then, be faithful. Don't cheat. Don't lie about relationships with other people. If somewhere down the road, you want to develop a relationship, kiss, or just have sex with someone other than your spouse, then be honest, tell your spouse before you do anything, and leave the marriage before you cheat. Cheating will only lead to mistrust, arguments, and an uphill battle to winning your marriage back. There's a good chance you won't win your marriage back and it will simply end because of your cheating. You'll have no one to blame but yourself."

This is one thing you never had to worry about with me. There was no way I would ever think of being with anyone else but you. You were everything I could ever hope for. You were the one. I did make the mistake of going to others when we had problems. I know you think it was some kind of relationship. It wasn't. Obviously. There were no feelings, I was looking for solutions, answers, trying to find a way to help us. No matter the intentions, it was wrong. All I needed was you. 

Reasons Pt. 2

"Money is a big trigger for fights in marriages. But you'll probably find that if you have money - enough to pay bills, have a little fun, and live reasonably well - you'll probably fight less. When one of you wants to overspend, especially with money you don't have, or gets into debt that you can't pay off, then you'll start to argue big time. Making money, which means bringing in revenue and not just spending like crazy, will go a long way to help you and your spouse stop the money fights."

We both always worried about money. I know you did a lot. So did I. No, we weren't rich. We struggled. But we always seemed to have enough to take care of things. We didn't have the best of everything, but we had the things we needed. We would have our arguments over money, but things would work out. We would find a way. I would always try and calm you down when it was an issue. You would say we were poor. We weren't. We had so much to be thankful for, and that's not being poor. 

Reasons Pt. 1

"When you're dating, you literally schedule fun time with one another (until and unless you move in together). Fun should not just stop because you got married. In fact, the fun should increase. There are no excuses. Now, you're together all the time, so you should be able to have more moments of spontaneity, as well as scheduled fun. Have date nights, make nights at home special with candlelit dinners or movies and popcorn, and simply relish in each other's arms."

We would do that. We would plan things to do together that we enjoyed. Going to the zoo. Watching tv together. Dinner dates. Photography. Watching baseball. Cuddle time. Our vacation together. We made time to spend together. Having a baby puts a strain on all of that. I understood things would change, we would lose that "us" time we had. The fact that he was, and isn't, the greatest sleeper also hurt us. We couldn't do those things that we used to anymore. There was always the worry of him falling asleep on the way home if we went and did things we used to do, then not sleeping at all at night. I tried to come up with ideas of things we could do to continue the fun we would have, and you did too, but it was difficult. 

I Promised You

Ask yourself. Why are you so upset with me? Is it because I didn't go? Is it because I thought about going? You got upset when I told you I was. You got upset when I decided it wasn't the right thing to do. The only reason I considered going was because you were upset with me and told me you didn't want to see me anymore and you weren't really talking to me. The reason I chose to stay is because of the promise I made to you. No more lies. No more walking out. Always being here for you and the kids. I wasn't wanting pity or for you to feel sorry for me. Why would you feel sorry for me? And you letting me come by yesterday, when you didn't have to, meant a lot to me. Because, yes, you are a nice person, you are a people pleaser. I've always told you that. You have a heart of gold. You try so hard to help people, and a lot of the time you get walked on. I wasn't doing that. I'm not going to take advantage of your kindness. All I want to do is show you that the kindness you show to me is greatly appreciated and all I want to do is the same for you. That's why I stayed. Leaving would have broken a promise I made to you. I told you I would be here for you and the kids. I wouldn't be able to do those things halfway around the world. I kept my promise. I didn't think it would upset you so much. I made the right decision. I chose you. I chose the kids. I chose my word to you. And by making that choice, not lying to you and keeping my promise, I have upset you again. 

The Right Decision

I don't understand why you are so upset. I didn't lie to you. I was being completely honest. I thought by doing this, it would give you the space away from me that you wanted. It was an opportunity. But, the things you talked to me about, about our son, really weighed on my mind. The promise I made to you. That I would always be there for you and the kids. How could I do that so far away. Sitting in that seat, so close to leaving, I made a decision. I was not going to run away. I was not going to break another promise to you. Leaving would have. I thought I made the right choice. When you asked if I would still do all these things for you if you were seeing someone else, the thought of it is crippling, but it is inevitable. You are a wonderful, amazing and beautiful woman. I will always be here for you, like I promised I would be. Sometimes, events cause us to make drastic decisions, some of which aren't right. I feel I made the correct decision. I stayed. Because I made a promise. Sometimes new isn't always better, it's just different. Keeping your word, not quitting, those are the right things to do. That's what I did. I hope you will see why I decided to stay. I hope you will see what you and the kids mean to me. You mean staying, fighting, not quitting to me. No lies, no broken promises. I gave you my word, I intend to keep it. 

Please

Please try and remember our good times. They were real. Just stop thinking about the bad for a little bit and think of all the fun times we had together. How happy you were. Your April fools joke that turned out later to not be a joke. I was never worried. I knew you were the right one to have a child with and I was so excited and happy that we created something so wonderful. Remember, please. How much you loved cuddling with me. God I loved it. Holding you was the best. Just please remember those moments. Because that was the real us. 

I love you Malania. I always will. 

Silence

I'm trying hard not to annoy you. I don't want you mad at me. I don't want you to hate me. But if you don't hear from me, don't think for one second I'm not thinking of you. You are my life. You are my world. I would be there for you in an instant. I will talk to you whenever you want to talk. I won't let you down. I won't give up on you. You mean too much to me. I love you more than there are stars in the sky, sand on a beach, water in the ocean. 

Day Of Birth

Today is my birthday. It's supposed to be a happy day. It's not. Happy would be spending time with the woman and kids I love so much. The birthday cookie and dinner tradition she has. It was wonderful. Last year, it happened a week after the divorce was filed. There was no cookie, no dinner out. We ate at home. But I was home. With them. She apologized for not having a gift. She did though. Having dinner with them, being there with them, that was the gift. The best gift. Sitting at the dinner table with the most wonderful woman and children was more than I could ever want. My world. God I want that back. I wish she knew what it all meant to me. I wish she knew how much I appreciated everything she did. I wish I could have shown her more. 

Mistake

I hope you will see that I wasn't a mistake. We did lots of great things together. Yes, I made mistakes. But I'm not a bad person. I'm not a creep. I'm not a deadbeat. I am a man who loves you so much, so much that I did things I shouldn't have. It was all to try and help. It didn't. Lying doesn't help. Making you feel lonely doesn't help. Sure I would get mad and upset at you at times. The things you would say about me hurt. I was not the person I used to be. I knew how special you were and I wanted to be special for you. I could never stay mad at you though. You melt me. I hope you see how heartbroken I am that I hurt your beautiful heart and soul. I will always try to make it up to you, because you deserve it. You deserve my best efforts, my honesty, my all. Mistake is a bad word to you. I know. I know why. You are not a mistake. We were not a mistake. I will do everything to prove that to you. 

Still

After everything, all that has happened, I still think the world of you. I still think you are the most amazing woman on the planet. The most amazing mother. You have the sweetest heart, an incredible mind. I still love you more than anything. What I feel for you will never change. It's my fault you have so much anger and hate. It's my fault. All of it. 

And I am forever sorry for ruining something so amazing and causing you so much pain and doubt. 

The One

There will never be anyone else. 

No one can compare. They never could. 

There's you, then the rest of the world. 

You are my everything. 

I Tried....

....and tried to explain what it felt like with you. It was the most unbelievable feeling. It was spiritual. It was pure. It was complete. Even just holding your hand was electrifying. Holding you in my arms was like holding an angel. The energy I felt was overwhelming. Completely emotional. Completely real. 

And even that can't completely explain. You're the one. 

Blind

I'm sorry. I never understood, until I saw it happen. In the beginning, I saw them help you. I saw them always being there when you needed something. I didn't really see until someone "more important to them" needed them. I saw what happened. I saw what you were trying to tell me. I never thought parents could be that way. I saw what became their priority. That's when things became clear. That's when my communication with them stopped. Not because you found out. Because I saw. I thought they cared. Honestly, I did. I saw how they turned their back on you. But, I was wrong to even go to them. There was no one that could solve our problems but us. And if I had known how your sister would turn on you too, I would have begged you to stop trying to communicate and be there for her too. You tried for so long to be her friend and a proud sister. Finally, after she became pregnant, she decided to let you back in. Why? Because there was no one else better who knew everything about pregnancy and children than you. You are amazing. But when everything was done, she turned her back on you too. Babysitting excuses. Completely fucking you over on photography. Asking for help and advice then ignoring you. It's not right. You deserve better than that. 

I am completely sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I didn't understand. I heard what you were telling me, I just didn't see it, until it was too late to take everything back and realize that they didn't care. I never said anything bad about you. All I was looking for was answers to help us.

I was looking at the wrong people. 

Love

I wasn't perfect. I had issues. I had flaws. But you fell in love with me. I tried to be better. I tried to be your world. You were and are mine. I tried to leave my past behind. It kept coming up. I gave up all of my childish obsessions and pointless and meaningless comments about others. I focused my life on what was important, the love I had for you and the family we were. You still doubted. That always crushed me. There was nowhere I wanted and still want to be but with you and the children. When things got rough, when things broke, didn't go the way you wanted, people said things about you, your doubts about photography, I always tried to encourage you, tell you we would figure it out, support your opinions and just reassure you that you are wonderful and we will get through it. You would get so upset. I tried to calm you down. I tried to tell you that I would do everything I can. Not once did I think we weren't going to work. Not once did I think that it was all your fault things broke or an extra expense occurred. I tried to figure out ways to calm you down and make it through. You would talk about giving up on life, photography, everything. I tried to give you encouragement, tell you that you are amazing at what you do, all the things you put up with, all the demands put upon you, by yourself and others. I didn't give up on you. I believed in you. I believed in us. We have gone through many unforeseen events that you thought we couldn't get through. We had to sacrifice, but we did it. It was a dream of ours to give the kids a big Disney vacation. We thought it was just a dream. We would never be able to afford two weeks of fun and theme parks. We did it. Many things we though we could never do, we did. We made it happen, because we didn't give up.

I've seen you doubt. I've seen you want to give up. I've seen you hurt. I've seen you angry. I didn't jump ship. I didn't give up. I tried to be your support when things weren't going the way they should. I tried to calm you and tell you we would get through it, like we had every time before. 

I didn't stop loving you. I didn't stop caring. I didn't stop trying. I didn't give up. 

Promise

I've broken a lot. And by doing that I lost your trust. I've been doing everything I can to show you that you can trust me. My promises I will keep to you. I can't and won't lie to you again. I value what time we do spend together too much to give what's left up by breaking another promise. I try to do things to help you. To make your life a little easier. I am always here for you, for anything. Please don't get so upset when I haven't done something yet. I will. I won't lie to you. 

I made a promise to you. I know what that means now. 

If I Could Turn Back Time...

...to the day we first met. Seeing you come around the corner, your smile, your eyes, your hair. Heavenly. Your voice so sweet. Your laugh infectious. I close my eyes and remember it like it was yesterday. If I could go back, everything would be perfect, like it was. I would know how to talk to you. I would know how to react to situations. I would know how to be the boyfriend, fiancé, and husband you deserve. I would still be your Prince Charming. I would change so much. But, given the chance, I would never turn around and walk away. You are God's gift to this earth. You are the one. I love you more now than I did then, and I will love you more tomorrow than today....

...and I would take a step back before picking you up. 

I love you Malania. I always will. 

Wandering

I dreamed of you last night. I dreamed you were wandering in the dark, and so was I. We found each other. We found each other in the dark.

Remember

I wish, for a moment, she would sit down, and think. Think about all the fun times. All the smiles. All the laughs. All the close moments shared together. The trips. The cuddling. Holding hands. Working together. All the good. 

Yes, there were bad times. Everyone has them. There were quite a bit. But much more good than bad. Those good times were real. They were genuine. Two people who enjoyed the company of each other. He loved being with her, and she loved being with him. That wasn't a lie. That was real. 

There were lies. There was deception. There were broken promises. Not because he didn't love her. Not because he wanted to hurt her. Not because he didn't want to be with her. All of it was there because he was so scared of fighting with her. So scared of losing her. All he had to do was listen to her. Trust her that things would be ok. 

A name. His past. Jesus. What does a name matter? As long as two people who love each other are together, shouldn't that be all that mattered? His past. It bothered her so much. Whether he loved her as much as others before. More. More than he had ever loved anyone, ever. What he felt, and still feels, cannot be measured. It is pure, complete, comforting love. He knew she could never be replaced. She won't. His past. She was protecting herself and the children every time she brought it up to him. She wanted to be sure he was a better person than he was before her. He is. But he would get so upset. He didn't want her comparing herself to anyone. It's not possible. There is no comparing an angel to anything. He tried to reassure her, but it was tough. 

Please just think. Think of the good times, without all the bad. Please. There were so many good times, great times. Please remember. 

Always

"Be with someone who wont stay angry with you, who can't stand not talking to you, and who's afraid of losing you."

I could never stay angry with you. You mean too much to me. Not talking like we used to hurts. I love hearing from you. How your day is going. What you are working on. How the kids are. How you are feeling. Everything. I was always afraid of losing you. That's why I tried anything. What I didn't try was the right thing. Listening. Supporting. 

I love you. More than you could ever imagine. 

Unconditional Parental Love???

Mothers are supposed to love their daughters. Fathers are supposed to give everything they have for their daughters. The ones I speak of do, just to the wrong one.

You have never seen someone give so much as she does. No one cares more about her kids than this woman. She will help just about anyone when they have a problem. She has a heart of gold. She gives and gives and gives. She has earned respect. But yet, she gets shit on. 

Her sister, well, let me just say, is the complete opposite of her. Always taking, always asking for handouts, fooling everyone into thinking she is a great mother, a good person. Wrong! Never have I seen someone use so many people to get what she wants. She asks, she gets from mother and father. Anything. Everything. ASAP. 

On the other hand, the angel, the miracle on earth gets this...

"I'll be by to help you". Seven months later, nothing. "We'll bring it by soon". Two months later, nothing. "We can't make it to your sons birthday party, we have to go get a saw". And the two worst, "You were a mistake. I should have had an abortion", and when something vital for her and the kids well being needed to be replaced in the house, "You might try dating someone who can help you with that". Are you fucking kidding me???? 

I made the huge mistake a few years ago of thinking her parents loved her and would do anything for her. I was wrong. Dead wrong. They care more about a self centered user than the most beautiful heart and soul God could have ever put on this earth. It's sickening. It breaks my heart. 

I had the chance to be her everything. I let it all slip away. I hate myself even more every time I hear things like that, because I was supposed to be her support. That is why I have promised her to do everything I can for her. To stand by her through anything. To listen. To help. I will not let her down anymore. Too many people have, including me. 

For You

Devotion

Promise

Compassion

Support

Love

You are the greatest woman. You deserve the best. Someone who is there for you and the kids. Someone who won't put others ahead of you or judge you. Someone who won't question your ideas. Someone who will support your dreams. Someone who will stand by your side through anything. Someone who loves you more than anything. Someone who knows your goals, wants, needs. 

That person is me. 

The Truth

You gave me hope. 

You gave me a love I have never felt. 

You gave me dreams. 

You gave me inspiration. 

You gave me a new future. 

Hope. You believed in me. You knew I was a good person behind all my past insecurities. You trusted me to be a good husband and father. I failed. 

Love. The love I felt and still feel for you cannot ever be explained in words. It was never about how you looked. It was and is about the person you are. You are the most unique and unbelievable woman. Your heart is pure. Your values are angelic. The way you live your life should be a rule book for everyone else. You give. You struggle. You have setbacks and times where things don't go your way. But you still give. You still try your hardest. You made me feel on top of the world with you. You would think sometimes that I was comparing you to others. Not a chance. There is no comparing you to anything. You are the pinnacle. You are a blessing. Nothing was impossible as long as we worked together. Those reasons, your heart, that is why I love you more than life itself. It's who you are, it always has been. 

Dreams. When we would talk about future ideas and plans, it made me feel so good. Planning things with you was incredible. A home. A family. Parties. Decorating. Trips. Meals. Everything. Listening to your ideas, your hopes and dreams, I wanted so much to help you make them come true. You are brilliant. You are imaginative. You have drive. You are what everyone should be like. But they aren't. That is what makes you so much better than anyone else. No one could ever compare to you. 

Inspiration. You helped me see that the life I was living was not the life intended for me. You inspired me to be better. To focus my priorities on what is important in life. Family. Nothing else matters. It shouldn't. Be there for your family, the ones you love most. If there are problems, talk them out, don't run away from them. Sure, we had plenty of setbacks, plenty of unexpected issues arise, unexpected financial setbacks...but we always got through them. We had to sacrifice things sometimes, but we got through them by working together. Why and how? Because when we work together to solve a problem, we do. We are better together than apart. You inspired me to try. Many things I had never done before, you calmed my doubts. Whether it was trying crab, your awesome green bean casserole or replacing a faucet, I knew I could do it with your support. You bring out in me what I thought I could never do.

Future. Our future was heading in the right direction. I had seen the errors of my ways and was focused on being the best for you and the kids. It took far too long to get the wrong way to do things out of me, but with you by my side, it became possible. The bad was still there, but in the past, still haunting you. Every turn, every unfortunate event, it all came back to my mistakes. As well it should. I caused your doubt. My past actions made you think only the worst of me. My poor judgement in the past. My broken promises. But that was the past. Our future was to get better. It had to. Sure there would be financial struggles, emotional struggles. But we had gotten through them before, and we could again. This time without the lies, without the broken promises. I had changed. 

Things the way they were. No. Lies? No. Broken promises? No. Loneliness? No. Showing you nothing would stop me from doing everything I can for you? Yes. Being there for you and the kids? Yes. Being the father and companion I was supposed to be? Yes. Giving you support in all of your ideas and creations? Yes. Standing by your side when everyone else turns their back on you? YES. Showing you the love and compassion that you deserve? YES. 

I never wanted to change you. You were perfect when I met you and you are still perfect. A name doesn't change who you are, but it's not something to fight over either. When we met, you were the sweetest, most loving, most giving woman and mother, and I would never want to change that. It's who you are. It's why I love you. 

My promises mean something to me now. My word to you is something I will never go back on. I will be there for you. I will be there for the children. I will give all my effort for you and them. I will care for you and them, protect you and cherish you, until my time on earth is over. And I will love you with everything I am for as long as I live. Those things I promise you and will never, ever break. 

You are a great woman. You are capable of anything you put your mind and heart into. You can achieve so much. By your side, I wanted to see it happen, to help you any way I could. By your side. That was my dream. 

From My Heart

  

Never, ever, lie to the one you love more than life itself. It's just not worth it. Ever. Not a little lie. Not a big lie. Don't. Even if you think what you are doing is trying to keep your relationship together, don't. It will tear it apart. To love someone, truly love someone, that once in a lifetime love, a love that consumes you, and to not be able to spend your life with them...is hell. Complete hell. All you want to do is go home and hold her and tell her everything is going to be ok, but you can't. Losing that, and the pure joy of six wonderful children, is hell. Always tell her the truth. Even if it makes things bad for a little bit, at least she still trusts in you to be honest with her. I know these things as a fact, because I am the one in hell. 

Romeo who?

Tragedy

   They say Romeo and Juliet is a tragic love story. Maybe. I have a story that makes Romeo and Juliet look like scribble. 

   My story involves two people, who are so right for each other, have so many common interests, have fun together, were so in love with each other and couldn't get enough of each other. Sounds great doesn't it? It was. 

   They had it all. All the love you could imagine. Passion. Happiness. Companionship. They met at a time in each other's lives that was rough for them both. But there was a connection. A bond. It was fate. It was like something brought them together for a reason. It was supposed to last forever. A love like that should. But it didn't.

   They did everything together. Cooking. Cleaning. Photography. Creating. Movies. Dinners. Going places. Walking. Talking. Shopping. Enjoying time with the kids. They were inseparable. 

   Let's get married. What a wonderful thing to hear from the one you wanted to spend your life with. They started planning a wedding. She wanted a beautiful wedding, and He was going to do everything he could to make that happen. He wanted her dream to come true. He wanted to be her Prince Charming. She was his Cinderella, and still is. But the wedding never happened. Heartbreak for her, and for him. He wanted to stand next to her, on her day, and proclaim his undying love for her in front of family and friends. Her dream wedding turned into a small ceremony. 

   I'm pregnant. Words some people would freak out about. Not him. He knew she was the one to make him a father. She was already a wonderful mother to her five children. Great kids, all of them. A joy to be around, and having another with her would be a dream come true. She was magnificent through the pregnancy. So strong. So beautiful. Even through the tough parts, she was unbreakable. Him on the other hand, he made so many mistakes. He argued over names. He would get so upset over things he would walk out on her. Thinking he was just letting things calm down, not wanting to fight with her, what he was doing was wrong. He was making her feel lonely. Something you should never do to the one you love so much.

   Then there were the lies. Promises broken. Never lie to the one who is your world. Not even a small one. Every lie is bad. These weren't infidelity lies. They weren't lies about his feelings for her. But he promised not to do the things she asked him not to do. He broke that promise. He promised not to walk out anymore. He broke that promise. He broke her heart. Never did he intend to, but he did. 

   She stuck with him. She had faith that he could be better. She believed in him. The baby came. What a wonderful night/morning that was. She was so strong. She fought so hard to keep him during the pregnancy, and when it was time to deliver, she did. She was awesome. A beautiful baby boy. Holding her hand through it all, he was on top of the world. But still, the lies and broken promises were there. Every time things would get tough and they would argue...promises broken. He just didn't want to fight with her. She was an angel to him, and you don't fight with angels. But you don't break promises to them either. 

   A week away. Things happened. Misunderstood words. An event caused them to be apart for a week. He was devastated that he couldn't just go home and be with her. She struggled. She doubted. But she stayed strong. She visited. She was wonderful. It was hard on her but she had faith. She waited for him. When he came home, it was supposed to be a new beginning. Things had to change. He had to be better. And he was...until more arguments made him break his promise again and walk out. God he hated fighting with her. She is a wonderful woman and arguing with her killed him. They made it through to Christmas, but things were different. The closeness they shared was fading. The damage was taking its toll. 

   02/14/13. Divorce filed. Crushing. Heartbreaking. Two people who were destined to find each other and make each other's lives wonderful, now falling apart. They struggled through the year, having great moments, and not so great moments. An amazing family vacation. One you hope to recreate every year together. Fun times together throughout the year. But, the damage from the past still weighing on her mind, causing her doubt about her feelings for him. Until...

   11/12/13. When trying to pick a wedding date, they tried so hard to have a catchy date. Unfortunately, the catchy date was the date the divorce was final. Two hearts, two souls, so in love, so wonderful together, broken apart. They stayed together for a while after. Him, trying so hard to show her what being together with her meant to him. Effort that should have come years earlier. Talk of starting over slow. But she wanted her space to figure things out. Her, being his world, his life, not knowing anything else but her, it was difficult to give that space. He didn't want her to forget him, not forget all the wonderful moments they had together. Those moments were not lies, they were the real thing. It was hard for him to go because he wanted to be there for her, for whatever she needed. He wanted to protect her, to help her, show his love for her. But it was upsetting her. 

   Now, they are apart. Tragic. Two people who work well together, who help each other. Two people who are better together than apart, are apart. It kills him not to see her and the kids like before. All he wants is time with them. Time he wasted being stupid before. He will always love her with all his heart. He will always be there for her, like he should have been the whole time. She is still his world. She is still the most amazing woman on earth to him. He will always be hers. 

   That is my story. Completely tragic. So many mistakes. Never should you lie to the one you love. Never should you break promises to the one who holds your heart, and who's heart you hold. And never should you make the one you love feel lonely, ever. If you think what you are doing is trying to help, it's not. Be there for them. Communicate with them. Show them what life with them means to you.

It means everything.