If I Should Die Before I Wake

If I should die before I wake

It's 'cause you took my breath away

Losing you is like living in a world with no air

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave

My heart won't move, it's incomplete

Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me

to live alone with just me

'Cause my world revolves around you

It's so hard for me to breathe 

No One Wins

http://youtu.be/_JASxa17vqc

I never meant to start a war

You know I never want to hurt you

I Just Want You To Know

http://youtu.be/SxjIWoa7Dgc

Again

http://youtu.be/NUH-GsxCKzg

Thinking Of You

When I'm all alone or in a crowd

In a quiet place or where music's loud

If I'm on the road, or in the other room

That's how you know, I'm thinkin' of you

When the flowers bloom, when the leaves turn brown

when the sun is hot, when the snow falls down, down

when the clouds are gray, and the sky's are blue

that's how you know, I'm thinkin' of you

I'm thinkin of you, that's all I do all the time

You're always the first and the last thing on this heart of mine

No matter where I go or what I do, 

I'm thinkin' of you. 

Can't remember names, who I used to be

what I cared about before you came to me, baby

Every selfish thought, all I thought I knew

has been replaced with thinkin' of you. 

I'm thinkin of you, that's all I do all the time

You're always the first and the last thing on this heart of mine

No matter where I go or what I do, 

I'm thinkin' of you. 

Always thinkin' of you, yes I am.

Your Birthday

I'm sorry, if this isn't about me, my apologies. Your post "Pain". You are my love. My only one. You are everything to me. I am not trying to hurt you at all. I'm only yelling you how wonderful you are to me. I'm not bad mouthing you or any of that. If I have said something to upset you, please tell me what it was. That, was never my intent. I try and give you confidence, support and love. I'm not going to try and tear you down, one, you don't deserve it, and two, it would hurt me just as much you. I didn't try to ruin your birthday. I sent you a happy birthday text at around 7am that day. I posted to Instagram and my blog wishing you a happy birthday. I brought you gifts, a card and cupcakes. I know they weren't much, but they were given thinking of you. Again, if it's not about me, my apologies. I just don't want you thinking I don't care about you or love you more than anything. Because I do. 

If

Malania, if you read these, please text me, call me, anything. I can't give up. You are worth everything to me. I care about you and love you so much. We can have good times again. All of this arguing and fighting was all a big mistake. Why would I want what we had to end? With all of my heart, I never tried to decieve you or lie to you or make you feel unwanted. You know that. You know I can't. I knew what would happen if I did, that's why I couldn't. In your heart, you know what you mean to me. Please listen to it. Please remember how happy we were again. 

Talk to me, please. 

I love you. 

Instantly

It was like that. Remember? It still is with me. God Malania, please remember that. Remember saying "I hate when you leave. I never know when I will see you or hear from you again". Now it's me wondering if I will ever even get a simple "hey, what are you doing" text. Please don't give up. Remember all the things we talked about doing when things were good. All of those things I wanted to do. I hope somewhere in your heart you do too. 

Please

Just a simple "hey". 

Please. 

Anything

Please text me. We can talk about anything or nothing. Your day. How you are feeling. Your pains. The kids. The dogs. The weather. Baseball. Anything. Just normal stuff. Or, just say "hey". Something as simple as that. I will just say hey back. If you want to say more, that's up to you. I will answer you. Any hour. I care. I love you. 

Poke

I miss your pokes. I think it was up to 45 in a row. I miss getting my butt kicked at Yahtzee. You're "hey" texts. I keep hoping you will see what you mean to me. I'm here anytime if you want to talk. I'll always answer. I love you very much. 

Dream

I dreamed that you messaged me last night and it said "I miss you". I woke up, looked at my phone. Nothing. I broke down and cried. God it hurts. 

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Malania. You are an amazing woman. Even though you are a year older, you look more amazing than ever. You still look like a teenager. I hope you have a great day. I love you very much. 

Today

Today hurt. More than you will ever know, it fucking hurt. I don't know if you even know why it did or if you even care. I know you have a heart, so, somewhere in there, I know you would understand why. 

But today hurt really fucking bad. 

Work

My job is very strenuous. It is very physical. It's non stop. It kicks my butt every day. I am sore. I have cuts. I have bruises. I sweat for eight hours plus. I have to stay with it, no matter what. It's the job you wanted me to have. The job you said you would be happy if I got. It will make me stronger, physically and mentally. I will have stability. I know if I stay with it, it will make me stronger financially. It is difficult though. The whole time I'm there, and the other sixteen hours of the day, all I think about is you. Seeing things you would love to have. Thinking of all the times we have gone to Hobby Lobby. So yes, I need this job, but it kills me thinking. It kills me not seeing nice messages from you on break and lunch, like you used to do. Hearing about your day, things you want to do, the way you missed me and loved me. Once again I'm in hell. But I guess that's where I have to be. I tried to be your everything. I tried so hard. It's hard to believe, how close we were again, and now to be even further apart than before. I really hope you see how much I tried for you. How much I love you and would give up everything to have that closeness back. 

I love you Malania. Always have, always will. 

My All

I gave you my all. All I wanted was to be with you. To try and show you how special you are to me. To be there whenever you needed or wanted me there. To provide for you whenever I possibly could. Every chance, I was there for you. If you asked me to come see you and I said, no, I can't, I have other things to do, that would have killed you. You would be thinking, something more important than me? That wouldn't happen. I was doing everything I could to see you whenever possible. I wanted to show you that nothing was more important than being there for you. You ask, I drop whatever I'm doing and I'm there for you. Because you are the most important thing in my life. I gave you my honesty. I didn't hide anything, lie or do anything to make you doubt my feelings of wanting to be with you or loving you. I tried so hard to make you happy because I didn't want to lose you again. I'm sorry my all isn't enough. At times, it was. I just wanted you to believe in me. Because yes, you are my everything. You're perfect. I really wish you knew what you mean to me. If you could see in my brain and heart, there would be no doubt. It would be, oh my god, you really do think the world of me. But that can't happen. All I can do is hope someday you realize I was honest, I was open, I was trying so hard for you, because you are worth it. I would give up everything for you, because without you, I have nothing. 

I love you so much. Please believe that. 

Drive

When I leave work, I go down I-240. When I used to leave work with my other job, I would go the same way. Now, it's just not the same. It's heartbreaking. It's sickening. Because now, my destination is different. I would be so happy on my way home. I was on my way to the most wonderful woman and awesome kids anyone could ever want. Being a part of something so amazing was the best feeling. The drive always felt so long, because I couldn't wait to get there. Now, I don't drive home. I don't feel like I have a home anymore. In my heart, my home is with you and the kids. That's where my happiness is. 

Worth

I know what you are worth to me. You are worth my life, my love, my blood, sweat, tears, effort, trust, heart. You are worth my honesty to you. I cannot and will not lie to you. I promised you I never would again. I promised to be open with you and tell you my thoughts, as you did with me. You are worth not giving up on. You are worth more to me than you will ever realize. I just wish you believed it. Hopefully someday you will. I wish I was worth something to you still. It felt good when you depended on me again. 

I always loved you and I always will. 

If You Care

I miss you. So terribly bad. I hope we can work on friends again. You are the most important part of my life. I love you very much. 

Once It Was

Where are you?

What are you doing?

Are you coming here?

When will you be here?

Hurry. 

I miss you. 

Do you miss me?

I love you. 

Do you love me?

I had so much fun today. 

You're so sweet. 

I wish you didn't have to go. 

I think that someone is you. 

All gone. How can it just stop?

Remember what you felt saying all those things. 

I remember how it made me feel. 

Actions speak louder than words. True. That's why I'm still trying. I haven't stopped. That's why I will keep my promises to you, even though it's like this now. I never stopped loving you. I never stopped being there for you. Even when you were with someone else. Remember?

I love you. I always will. 

Nervous

I'm so nervous at times like this. When I haven't seen you for a while, I never know what to expect. I want things to go good. I know we can be. I know we can joke, laugh, talk, all the good things. That's how I hope it will be. I always want it to be a good time. I never want to argue with you. I want to make you smile. I want you to remember how good we can be. I love you so much. 

Stunning

You are beautiful. You know I know it. You know I think of you as the most gorgeous, amazing woman on earth. Just thought I would say that again here, since I can't comment on the actual picture. 

So amazingly beautiful. 

Every Second

I miss you. Always. That's why I try to talk to you. I miss it. I miss hearing the little things that go on in your life. I care about you. I've tried to show you. When something was wrong, I tried to help, with support. Whether it was words to calm you, a hug to let you know I love being with you, money when you worried or needed something, gifts to make you smile, or just listen to let you know I understand you are upset and I will always believe in you and no one else. You are always on my mind. That's why I try to talk to you. That's why I try to see you whenever possible. That's why I did anything to be with you, even be dishonest to family, not you. I wasn't going to let anything get in the way of spending time with you. Any way I could to see you, I was going to do, because being together with you and having the fun we had, was more important than anything else. You are worth my time. Every second. I hope you can see that. Any time you needed me, I was there. When you were having a bad day, I would bring a sundae or cupcakes or something to try and cheer you up. You are worth every effort. You are worth every mile. You are worth every second. You are amazing, and we were amazing when we were doing things together. 

Always Trying, Still

I made time for you. I didn't make any excuses. When you wanted me there, I was there. I wasn't too busy for you. I didn't say I can't because I have something more important to do. Every possible moment I could spend with you, I did. I didn't care if I drove there just to see you for fifteen minutes. It was worth it. I didn't lie to you. When you needed help, I did everything I could. And you did too. If you think I lied or made excuses to NOT be with you, I'm sorry, but that isn't true. You know I would rather be with you than anywhere. The only excuses i make are finding ways to be close so I can see you. I love you more than life. 

New Visions

I've been lots of places. Some amazing and beautiful, some just your everyday place. But the places I've been with you, even places I've been before, have been so much more amazing when you are with me. You make going somewhere so much better Than I could ever imagine. You are magical. I hope we can enjoy places together again. I love you Malania. 

Why?

Why can't you talk to me? Why does it just stop? You said you still cared about me. You said you still loved me. Why does that just stop? I don't understand. God please. You know I love you. You know I would do anything for you. You know how much I was trying to make you happy. I was doing everything I could to spend time with you. God I love you. I don't know why you can't see that, but I wish you would. 

Completely Confused

I don't know how you can think I don't care about you or I'm "not into you". That's just insane. I hang on every word and every text from you. I wait. I wait for the next time to see you. It is the longest, worst wait I could ever have. Why you think I don't enjoy spending time with you is beyond me. Why you think I don't want to do everything for you I don't understand. I'm there for you whenever you need me. I try so hard for you. I wish you would see that. I wish you would see what being with you, doing things with you, sharing my life with you, means to me. I wish you knew how good I feel when I can get you something you want and how bad I feel when I can't. The last month was incredible. I couldn't believe I was so close to you again. You made me believe again. You made me think I was good enough to be with you again. Like your quote you sent me "just because I don't text you, doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you". That's the truth. I was waiting for you. Waiting for you to miss me because I miss you so much. All the things we did, the places we went, the fun times we had, do you think I didn't want that? It's all I wanted. I was happy spending whatever time I could with you. When you told me to go, I went. When you asked me to stay, I stayed. When I was gone, you missed me so much and I missed you too. The truth is out. Everyone knows. And I don't care what they think. All that matters is how we feel about each other. And for me, you are my world. There is only one place I want to be and only one person I want to fight for and give my all for, and that is you. But you should know that, because I told you the truth, and if not, I'm completely confused. 

To The One I Love

I hope you find your happiness. 

Goodbye. 

Gone

Things like this...leave me speechless and heartbroken. They kept me going. They kept me full of hope and happiness. You wanted me there. You wanted to hear from me. You missed me. You loved me.  

And now they are gone...again. 

I Miss This

This...made me happy. 

Lost

Show emotion?

Be open?

Be honest?

Care?

Or...

Don't care. 

Keep everything inside. 

Act like nothing matters. 

Lie. 

I just want to be with you. 

Is There...

Is there still love there? If so, please let me know somehow. My feelings for you are the same. I love you. I always will. Please tell me what your heart says. 

I've Always Said...

...that you are the most amazingly beautiful woman on earth. You are. Of the time we were together, I've probably told you that ten thousand times. Because it's true. You are flawless. You are the most perfectly cut diamond. From the top of your head to the tip of your toes, perfect. 

I've always said it. I've always known it. 

Because it's true. 

?

Do you miss me at all?

Unconditional

adjective

1. not limited by conditions; absolute: an unconditional promise.

2. absolute 

My love for you was and is. It didn't matter if you were happy, sad, mad, I loved you. It didn't matter if you did something I didn't like. I loved you. It didn't matter of you did something to upset me. I still loved you. Nothing you do or did could make me stop loving you. 

Because, my love for you is...

...unconditional. 

I Loved

I loved you. I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone or anything. I loved you so much, you became my life. Never, has anyone been my life. I never felt what I felt with you. I have never given so much of myself to anyone as I gave to you. I was never scared of losing someone so much as I was you. In my heart, you were my forever. I loved you when you were happy. I loved you when you were sad. I loved you when you were mad at me. I loved you when you thought no one else did. 

I loved you. I loved you so much. I'm sorry I didn't show it all the time. But I did. With all of my heart. 

And I still do. 

From My Heart

I will always fight for you. I compromised with you about a lot. Sometimes it took longer than it should have, but I always tried to make you happy. I would sacrifice anything for you. Anything. 

I miss you. God I miss you. I always did and I still do. No matter where I was, and for how long, I missed you. A few minutes, a few hours, and now...I've always missed you. 

I believed in us. We were so good together. I knew we could make it through anything. You said it too. "Together, we can make it through anything". I never have up on us. I still haven't. 

I wanted forever with you. I still do. I always wanted to be there for you. Sometimes I wasn't and I regret every second. I never wanted to leave you, for anything. And I don't want to live without you. Being with you has shown me a piece of heaven. 

The Rough

It's so hard not hearing from you. I miss that so much. I hope after all of this, we can communicate again. I'm not sure if it will happen, but I want to so bad. I hate this. I hate where we are. I didn't want this. It's killing me. Literally. 

You are so special to me. You always will be. I hope someday you remember how I once made you smile. You are a beautiful person. 

Commitment

I committed to you. December 2010. To always be yours. All of me. My body. My heart. My soul. To always love you. To never want another. To always care for you. To always fight for you. To give my life for you. 

I committed. Nothing has changed. 

It never will. 

You

So Many Tears

Yes, I cried. So many times. Good tears and bad ones. When I thought about what it was like being with you, holding you, feeling your love, just knowing I was where I was supposed to be, that my life had meaning, that I was with the most amazing woman, I cried. Those tears, those were good ones. When Parker was born. Watching you. Holding you during the delivery. Seeing you deliver our son. Your strength. Your love. Good tears. 

Our fights. Seeing the pain in your eyes. Hearing it in your voice. Bad tears. Hearing you say I'm not good enough. Wanting a divorce. Your broken heart. Your surgeries. Your struggle. Bad tears. Missing you. Wanting you. Needing you. Still loving you. Bad tears. 

I cried during the good times. I cried during the bad. The emotions I feel for you, I have never felt. I tried to explain to you what being with you felt like and meant to me.

It meant everything. 

 

I Know

I know you think I didn't care. I always did. I cared so much. I knew you hurt. I knew you were always in pain. You hid it well sometimes. Sometimes I could just look at you and see. I always wanted to help you. I hated knowing that you lived with so much discomfort. I wanted to fix you. I wanted you better. You have a beautiful stomach. But all that pain inside it was crushing for me. That's why I would always kiss your tummy, or when I held you from behind, I wanted my hands on your tummy. I wanted you to know that I knew. I always knew. That was my way of showing you I won't forget what you are going through. You are too beautiful and too wonderful to be in so much pain. 

I always knew. I always wanted to help. 

About You

I always tried to tell you how special you are to me. Sometimes I didn't show it very well. But God I knew it. When I would look at you and you would get mad at me for staring, I wasn't trying to be rude or make you feel uncomfortable, I was just in awe of you. You are so amazing. Following every curve of your perfect face, every strand of hair, I was mesmerized. How could someone so perfect be right next to me? Your eyes glistened. Your beautiful mind never stopped. Your soft, flawless skin. Malania, you were every wish, every dream, every hope. You were everything. 

You're not just a woman and a mother...

...you're an angel. 

And I know we are in a bad place right now. I hate it. I hate the things we say to each other. We are both upset. 

But I will always forgive you. 

And I will always love you. 

The Real Lie

I could say, I wish we never happened. I wish the last three years of my life could be erased. 

But it would be a lie. 

It was the best time of my life. Yes, there have been moments that were the worst of my life too, but they were just moments. Moments, in three years of so much joy, so much happiness. 

We WERE happy together. You can't deny that. All of those times spent together, laughing, smiling, holding. Adventures together, trips, walks, holidays, events, sports, photos, birth. None of that was a lie. It was real. It was us. It was how we were meant to be. You're lying to yourself if you didn't feel that too. 

I wish you would have forgiven me. I wish I wouldn't have done the things I did. We could be doing good, then something happens and your mind would go back. I wanted you to see what you meant to me. I was truly completely happy with you. I wanted so bad for you to feel that way with me. You did. But that feeling got buried in all the mistakes. 

Is it still in there? Buried inside you? I don't know. Sometimes I think it is. Sometimes I don't. I wish you would have believed in me. Trusted me to be your protector, your friend, your companion. I was truly happy with you. You were, are and always will be my world. 

Names

All the names and compliments I've called and said to you in the last three years:

Malania, Beautiful, Sexy, Hot, Stunning, Gorgeous, Amazing, Wonderful, Awesome, Girlfriend, Fiancé, Wife, Partner, Friend, Companion, Superwoman, Supermom, Wonderwoman, Creative, Smart, Brilliant, Loving, Caring, Special, Unique, Honey, Baby.......and Perfect. 

I still put you on a pedestal. Even today. 

Confused Again

How many times did I call you perfect? Do you remember? You should. So many times it got to you. "No I'm not". That's what you would say. Of course, nobody is perfect. Everyone has their flaws, their little insecurities, issues, etc. 

But you were perfect, to me. Because of the way you made me feel. They way you did things. The way you tried. Your effort. Your heart. Your voice. Your smile. I tried and tried to make you believe that you are irreplaceable to me. You are. 

Because you are perfect. To me. And I do love you, still. With all of my heart. Even after all of this. I do. Always. 

True Love

True love, complete, total, pure, undying, unconditional love, doesn't just stop. I still love you with all of my heart. I always will. Love hurts sometimes. Love is worry. Love is beautiful. Love is emotion. Love is kind. Love is harsh. But if it's real, it will always be there. It's real for me. Sure, lies hurt. Sure, broken promises hurt. Everyone lies. Everyone breaks promises. We are human. We make mistakes. It's the substance of the lies and broken promises that matter. Were they done to hurt you intentionally? Or were they done trying to help and fix problems?

I'm still here, trying to fix problems. I promised I would be. I tried. I waited. I pleaded. I begged. It didn't have to be this way. It could have been stopped. 

Always And Forever

"If you really love her, you wont hurt her". 

I did really love you. And I still do. People do things and hurt others doing it. Were they trying to? No. You have to look at what they did to hurt you. I lied and broke promises. But what I was doing was trying to help us. It was the wrong thing to do, but I was just trying to help. Walking out was to not fight. Cool off. Think. Was I wrong to lie and break promises about them? Yes. But I did those things with good intentions. Not to hurt you. You have lied and broke promises too. But I was always willing to forgive you and see past it and continue working on "us". 

"Real love stories never have endings."

Ours shouldn't have either. If it was real love. My love for you is real. Why? Because it's still there. Stronger than ever. I will always be in love with you. No matter what. You are my Cinderella. 

"I gave you my heart but it was never enough."

Yes it was. You were enough. Even at the end, being with you was enough. I knew you had other people to talk to and want to meet, but just being with you was enough. Sure it hurt knowing that. But I wasn't going to give up trying. You mean too much to me. That's the truth. 

I told you that you were everything. You would always be my only true love for the rest of my life. You will always have my heart. You will always have me. 

You do. You have all of me forever. No one is getting into my heart ever again. It is protected...

...by your memory. By the most heavenly name on earth, yours. 

And That's It

Attorneys

Courtrooms

Fighting

Arguing

Pain

Hurt

It wasn't supposed to be like this. 

I didn't want this. 

We were supposed to show Parker and the other kids we could still do things together. Like it has been since the divorce. Like it was the nine months between filing and hearing. Like it was the months after. All those things we did together. Baseball games, Redhawks and the kids. Tennis. Disney. Photo trips. Shopping. Turner Falls. Breakfasts, lunches, dinners. Together. That's how it was supposed to be. Because we did good things together, as a "family". 

I'm so sorry. 

10 AM

This is it. Last hour for reconciliation. Last chance to work this out ourselves. At ten, the retainer is paid and it's out of my hands. I had hoped we could do this ourselves. 

Still In Disbelief

It was supposed to work. We had so much potential. We had everything in front of us. We were great together. So much in common. How could it fall apart so badly? If you could just remember our good times. So many more good times than bad. God. And now, chaos. Destruction. 

But you will always be a part of me. 

Always in my heart, and over it. 

I think you know what I mean. That "something" I didn't get the chance to tell you. 

It Starts

I didn't want this to happen. I'm scared of what will come of all of this. But, it's not me I'm scared for. I tried to talk to you about this. We could have avoided all of this. It is very hard for me. Why? I love you.  I'm still in love with you. I know you have problems but I was willing to deal with it because our good days were awesome. They were. Trust me. We were incredible when things were good. And there were so many more good days than bad. I'm sorry you couldn't see that. When you truly love someone, you see through the bad and focus on the good. At least that's how I think. 

So, remember...you wanted this. 

I didn't. 

I'm Here

Yes, I still think about you. I still worry about you. I wonder what crafts you are working on. I wonder if you have any pain. How the kids are doing. I still care. And if you ever just want to talk, vent about something, anything, I'm here for you. 

Anything You Wanted

...and then you turned your hand over and dumped me out. 

Failure

Sacrifice

I tried so hard for you. I know you don't think it, but I did. Sure, I tried the wrong things sometimes, but they were done with the right intentions. I never thought bad of you. Never blamed anything on you. I held you in the highest standards. I wish you could have seen through all of my faults, like you did in the beginning, and look into my heart. 

You would have seen you. 

My Love

I loved you the first time I saw you. 

I loved you more, every day after that. 

I love you more today than ever. 

And I will love you tomorrow even more. 

I will always love you. 

Until the day I die. 

I wanted

I wanted you in my life. You were and still are my life. I wanted to be a part of yours. A part of everything. You and the kids are all that matter to me. I have nothing without you and them. You never had to fight to keep me. I was always going to be yours. I still am. 

Perfect?

I'm not a bad man. Yes, I made mistakes. Everyone does. There are no perfect relationships. Things happen. But is how you get through them and continue to build and to not just give up. I never stopped loving you. I never gave up. And you have to see, we had really good times together. More good than bad. We were only just beginning. Things would have gotten better. I know it, because I would have never stopped trying. Ever. 

Meant To Be

I believe we were. You did too. We were perfect together. You can't say we weren't. We did everything together. We enjoyed being around each other. We loved going places. Watching movies together. Playing games together. Everything! Remember that. 

The Good

It is possible. If two people, who have so much in common, and truly enjoyed spending time together, if the don't give up, anything is possible. I'm not saying it will happen overnight. Keep communicating, working together to have a positive outlook, spend some time together to remind you of how good things were. Even if it's just a few hours out taking pictures together. That, you can't deny, was always a strong point for us. You said, "hang out, be friends". We should do that. Give yourself the chance to remember the good times. It wasn't all bad. 

Just give it a chance, please. 

Remember?

The Promise

Everyone

Everyone may think I'm stupid. Everyone may think they know. Everyone has their opinions. But not everyone knows you, not like I do. Things may get said out of anger, but nothing will make me hate you. I can't. You are my complete love. You still have my heart. You always will. You are still the amazing, incredible, uncomparable woman I fell in love with. 

And I'm still in love with you. I always will be. Because it is real. 

Never Give Up

The Right One

You had the right one. You had someone who would never give up on you. Someone who would always try to lift your spirits, put a smile on you face, make you laugh. Someone who would break his back to do the things you needed done. We have so much in common. We are two peas in a pod. I know you don't want to see it, but it's true. I would give anything for you. My life. Not because I get paid to do it, but because nothing would stop me from doing everything I can to keep you and the kids out of harm. There is nothing else to stop me. The seven of you are my only priority. Ever. Forever. 

And the something you would ask me about, and what I thought upset you a little...is done. Always and forever. I meant it. 

Always

I know you. I know who you are. I know what matters to you. I know what upsets you. I know your hobbies. I know your favorite foods. I know your past. I know your dreams. I know your hopes. I know your heart. I know your compassion. I know your pain. I know your schedule. I know you. And knowing all of that...

...I love you. Completely. Never ending. I told you that you were the one. I told you forever. I told you no matter what, I would love you until I die. I haven't stopped. And I never will. And yes, I love YOU. Not because of the way you look, but because of the woman I KNOW. 

You are my world. You are my everything. There is no bad mouthing you. Ask anyone. All you will hear is how wonderful he says you are. How sweet and giving. How you are his one, true love and no matter what happens, he won't stop loving you. 

The truth IS out.

My love for you will always be. It's just waiting for you to truly accept it. 

Hate?

Hate. A very strong word. If you are a genuinely loving person, you shouldn't hate anyone. You may hate things they do, how they act, etc. Especially if at one point you were in love with them, hate should never come up. I was happy. I was satisfied. I was completely at peace when you would say "I'm in love with you" and "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you". That was it. I was finished. I had found the one. No more looking. No more comparing. You were everything. 

"I, personally do not think a person can go from love to hate so quickly.  Maybe you hate something that they did or said.  But real love is still there.  At times, people are so angry that they think they hate something or even someone when in fact, its the anger." Your quote. Real love is still there, if it was real. For me, it was. Unbelievably, it still is. After everything, I'm still in love with you. Am I stupid for feeling that way? To me, no. Because it is real. 

"Forever is thrown around to loosely  in today's time.  Men use "forever" to get what they want." Ummm, no. Maybe pigs and perverts. Not me. When I told you forever, I meant it. Old and gray. Hand in hand. Forever. What did I want when I told you forever? You. Forever. No hidden agenda. No games. Us. Forever. Grand kids. Sitting in a swing. Playing bingo. Watching baseball. Anything. 

What did I do to make you "hate men" and become "bitter and resentful"? I think other people in your life made you that way more than me. People who's names begin with J, R, and S. I always tried to tell you, "worry about what's under your roof, not what people think, not what's on your phone". Open your eyes and look at all you have. 

I know you. I know the kind of person you are. You are a sweet, kind, beautiful, amazing, loving person and mother. You have been through a lot, but that shouldn't change who you are. I never wanted to change you. Why would I want to change someone so wonderful? 

I love you because I know you. I've seen who you are. I've seen you work. I've seen you play. I've seen you stressed. I've seen you angry. I've seen you sad. I've seen you love. It has nothing to do with how amazingly beautiful you are. That would be so wrong. Shallow. I would have always been here for you. You would have never been "alone". You say I made you feel that way, but you were never alone. Even when I was gone, you weren't alone. The love I felt for you, if you would have just believed in it, was always there. I loved holding your hand, coming home to you and kissing you goodnight. I also loved waking in the middle of the night and seeing you next to me. I felt so blessed and honored to be next to you. They say there are three or four people for each of us???? No. True, undying, complete love...there is only one, at least for me. Sure, I have thought I was in love before, but feeling what I felt with you, the complete satisfaction of knowing, that was once in a lifetime. 

Things may change, I did. For you. I found the reason I was put on this earth. I have up my "obsessions". I gave up caring about things that didn't matter. Who was doing what. Who had what. I had you, or so I thought. That was all I needed. You and six wonderful children. That was all I needed. I wish you could understand that people change for the better. I did. Sure, I made mistakes. I'm human. But I know loving you was not one of them. 

So, as crazy as it sounds, and to the disbelief of many, I am still completely in love with you. If you said "come home", I would do it in a heartbeat. Because I truly love you and care about you. I told you that you were my forever. You are. 

No. I don't hate you. I love you completely. 

I have nothing.

It's interesting. You always say I thought about me. I did what I wanted to do. I never cared about you like I should have. I didn't think of you like I should have. 

When you told me to leave this last time, did you notice that what I took with me was basically what I brought in with me when I moved in. I never really bought anything for myself. It was more important for me to do for you. I had what I wanted. I had all I needed. You even would say it. "It will be easy to pack, you don't have much." Material things, no, I don't. I had something even more valuable than anything. I had you. I had an amazing family. Three years, and I basically have what I started with. 

I had a home. I helped get things for this home. I had a wife I would do anything for, sometimes the wrong things, but with the right intentions. I had six wonderful children. None of which I can see anymore. I can't even talk to them. I provided as best I could. My blood, sweat and tears are in that house. I worked hard to make it the best I could. Building, painting, digging. Sure, there were things I would have liked to have. But what was more important to me was making sure you had things you wanted and needed. 

Yes, my mistakes caused us to not be together anymore. You lost too. You lost someone who would never give up on you. Someone who put you on a pedestal. Someone who always tried to inspire you. Someone who doesn't have prior responsibilities to concern himself with, there's only you and the kids. No kids from a previous relationship to worry about. Nothing but you and the kids. But if you think I took more than I gave, I think you need to take a look around at what you have, then look at what I left with. Even now, I can't stop giving. I will always want to help you, provide as much as I can for you. I'm not stupid. People may think I am for still trying to give you more than you ask for. But I made a promise. I made it three years ago this May. To provide for you. I promised it again recently. I will always be here to help you. 

I know I broke promises. But look at the promises I broke. Lying to you. What did I lie about? Stopping the running to others. It took longer than it should have, but it's been two years since I last did that. But it still comes up. I was wrong to do it in the first place. Walking out. I've explained why I did that. I'm sorry you don't understand my reasons. I didn't want to fight. I needed to think before I said something I didn't want to. Still, wrong to do. Should I have left? No. Walk outside. Yes. Those broken promises. Bad? Yes. Marriage ending? In most cases, no. I didn't cheat on you. I didn't lay a hand on you in anger. I didn't lie about drinking or smoking. I didn't lie about my feelings for you. "To have and to hold, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part". Not a lie. I always held you, even when you didn't want me to. I was by your side when you were sick. I always told you it didn't matter if you were three hundred pounds, lost all your hair or were paralyzed, I was going to love you and want you always. You never believed me. Why you would think I just wanted to be with you because you are beautiful is beyond me. You are beautiful, but your beauty inside is why I love you as much as I do. I did everything I could financially for us. We weren't rich, but we weren't poor either. It hurt to hear you say we were poor. We had a house, food, clothes, and enough to provide fun times for us and the children. That's not poor. 

I love you. I will always be in love with you. You will always be a princess to me. I hope someday you see how much I did try for you, to do things to make you happy. Just look what you have, then look what I have. I never asked for anything but your love and understanding, and sometimes your patience.  Pardon me, I did make a big deal about names. That was my mistake. I wasn't trying to change who you were. All I wanted was you. You were all I could ever need. You thought the same about me too. 

And even still....

...after even more bullshit, I still love you. Why? Because I know you aren't mean. I know you aren't vindictive. You are hurt. You are not lonely. You are loved. By me. 

Things

I miss you so much. I don't know if you care or not. But I do. Waking up next to you. Hearing you blowdry your hair in the mornings. Talking sports. Talking photography. Lunch. Dinner. Your ideas. Holding your hand. Rubbing your back. Kissing your lips. The little point on your upper lip. Your beautiful belly button. Your menus. Laundry. Your pillows. Everything. Every little thing you did was my life. And I loved it so much. 

I hope you care. 

Even after...

...all of this. The silence. All the other guys you talk to or see. All the names. You not caring. After all of that...

...I still love you more than anything on earth. I still care about you more than anything. 

Is that desperation? No. That is devotion. That is commitment. That is true love in the purest sense. 

I would still give anything for you. After everything, if you had done everything to me what I did to you, I would hold you in my arms, look you in the eyes, and tell you...

"...we will be ok, I know you were trying anything you could to keep us together and not to fight with me. And for that, I appreciate your effort, it meant you cared about us and would do anything to save us, and I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for trying so hard. I love you honey, I always will."

Why? Because people make mistakes. Even the marriages that last a lifetime go through really bad times. But they don't give up on each other. I never did. People will do anything to help and try to save something that is so special to them. Do they do everything the right way? No. But they try. If it is a lie or broken promise, it's not to hurt that person, it's to hide their own flaws, but it doesn't mean they don't love that person. 

What I'm trying to say, I wouldn't have given up on you. We had something really special. We had real fun together. We loved being together. And that's not something you just give up on. 

Time

It's time to go for help. The silence is too much. I didn't stay to have this happen. I stayed to be close, to be here for you like I promised you. Now, you won't even talk. 

Protect

I know you want to feel protected, safe, and have someone to make you feel that way. Honey, you had the right person with me. A uniform doesn't make you courageous. I'm sorry you put so much into someone who wears one. I'm not scared to die for you. I don't need a uniform to protect you. Never did. Never will. 

You know I've never been in a fight. Does that make me bad? Does that make me weak? No. Because I haven't needed to be. Do you think maybe no one wants to fight me? And yes, I have been in a fight. Once. He opened my car door and kicked me in the face. I stepped out. I warned him. He kept on. Maybe six to eight swings. He never touched me. I didn't want to hit him. It wasn't worth it. I told him you don't want to do this. He got the hint and left. 

Just think if it was someone trying to hurt you. There would be no stopping me. You have no idea what I'm capable of if you or the kids were threatened. You haven't seen it. For the sake of whoever tried, they don't want to see it either. 

I don't know why you think a uniform makes someone more protective or a better person. If that day ever comes when someone tried to do something to you or the kids, they will never do it again if I'm there or I find out. With me, that is how it was. I hope to hell you realize that. 

Reasons Pt. 9

"Romance might seem like a pastime for the young or dating. Truly, romance is for everyone, especially married people who want to keep their marriage fresh and new. Yes, the honeymoon period will end, and you'll have to face the realities of a lifetime of responsibilities. But love will die if you don't nourish it. Romance is the nourishment. Tell your spouse you love him or her in ways big and small. Kiss and hug. Do special things for each other. Make sure no one is taken for granted. Everyone should feel special and loved. Your marriage is your number one priority, and romancing your spouse is a great way to remind him or her."

God I was trying. Always trying to be as close to you as I could. Always kissing you, wanting to hold you, telling you I love you and what you mean to me. Always wanting to be a part of what was going on, from photos to just going with you to Walmart. I was always trying to help you any way I could. Helping clean, helping with laundry, cooking, dishes, homework, yard work, anything. I wanted you to know how special it was being there with you and for you. Bringing you new socks, new boots, clothes, candy. Surprising you with Starbucks. I just wanted to see you smile. I wanted to make you feel good. Rubbing your back anytime I could. I wanted to relax you. Heal your pain. Calm you. The problem was the past. Every time you thought about it, you would get upset. I wish you knew how bad I felt for putting you through everything I did. I just wanted you to know that I knew that, and I was trying everything to show you that the bad was over and we could build a new future together, one filled with joy, compassion, love, understanding, honesty, trust and the hope of many more years of companionship. If the roles were reversed, I would have believed in you. I wouldn't have given up. I would have seen that you were trying anything to save us and not argue. I would have seen all the steps you were taking to make things right, to correct all your mistakes. Why? Because I completely love you. I always will. Yes, good things take time. We have time. It was only going to get better. 

Reasons Pt. 8

"You don't have to forget the ways you have been done wrong or the experiences that are shaping your opinions and your relationship. But you must learn to forgive your spouse, especially if he or she is genuinely trying to rectify the situation by apologizing and taking steps to fix the mistake or bad behavior. Even if your spouse does something awful that ends your relationship, you still have to find a way to forgive him or her. You don't have to do it for them. But you must do it for yourself. Anger and resentment will eventually wear you down."

I just wanted you to see me for who I really am, who I have become. Being with you, I learned what was important in life. Worrying about what was going on in other peoples lives, celebrities, stupid shit like that, didn't matter anymore. What was important was what we had under our roof. My priority was you and the kids. That's it. And it still is. I didn't want you thinking I wanted out, there was someone better or someplace better I wanted to be. I just wanted to be there with you. Plain and simple. I wish my past didn't weigh so heavy on your brain. All I wanted was a future with you. I know there are things you can't forget, but I had hoped all the effort I was trying to show you would help you see that I was trying for you. I wanted to be a positive role model, but when the past would come up, it would upset me. 

Reasons Pt. 7

"Compromising is an essential part of life - for everything from getting promoted at work to having a successful marriage. You can't always get your way, but you should be able to discuss your needs and desires. And your spouse should be able to discuss his or hers. Then, together, you must find ways to negotiate and reach a middle ground that satisfies both of you. If you can't do this, you or your partner (or worse, both of you) will start to build resentment. This will serve as a poison that could kill your marriage."

A big one. Compromise. We butted heads so many times. My past. I shouldn't have gotten so upset when you questioned. I should have sat you down, as many times as it took, and reassured you that you were my new beginning. You were my life and I didn't need anything else. Names. Instead of arguing and fighting over names, we should have sat down and talked. Looking back, it was a non-issue. A name doesn't make a marriage. Being together does. The name of a child shouldn't matter. He is still our son. Without those two issues, the broken promises and walking out would never have happened. 

Reasons Pt. 6

"The way you fight with one another can set the tone for your marriage. Listen, there's no way you can avoid fighting. You're going to disagree, and you're going to have to confront one another about it. It's actually part of a healthy marriage. But it won't be healthy at all if you are the kind of fighter who smacks your partner or calls him or her names. You have to learn to fight fairly in marriage just as you did on the playground in elementary school. Be a grown up and communicate without the low blows."

First, I would never lay a hand on you to hurt you. Ever. Second, I would never say anything negative about you or call you something you aren't. There were times you misunderstood what I was trying to say and you thought I was saying something mean or bad to you. I could never. You were my angel. I would always try and encourage you and remind you what a wonderful mother, an incredible wife, and just an all around beautiful person you are. I wasn't going to beat you down with names, I couldn't. You're too sweet for that. 

Reasons Pt. 5

"While you must make time to spend together, you also need some time to yourself. Loving and caring for yourself - from reading a favorite book to taking a walk to the store - allows you the chance to clear your mind and miss your spouse. If you are always together, you'll eventually smother one another. Plus, having separate hobbies, interests, or activities, gives you interesting things to discuss with one another once you are together again."

I hated leaving you and going to work. I missed you so much. At first, you missed me too. I remember coming home from work and when I would get close I would text you Kickapoooooo! You would reply yay!!! I loved that. I loved knowing you were excited to see me. The times we would argue or fight, I would leave. Not to abandon you, but to create space, a cool off period to think, so we didn't scream at each other. A time to figure out why we were arguing. It wasn't to make you feel lonely. I hated being away from you. If I knew the damage it was causing, God, if I only knew. 

Reasons Pt. 4

"Your in-laws probably stink. They make your life difficult and your marriage harder than it probably has to be. They are annoying and maybe even a little crazy. We get it. We've all been there. But talking badly about them or complaining about them to your spouse only hurts his or her feelings and does not resolve any issues. Vent to other people - from a therapist to your mom, but keep your spouse out of it. Be kind to your in-laws and when in-law issues come up that you must address with your spouse, remain calm and diplomatic. Period."

Big issue for us. In-laws. At first, things were good. I met your parents, you met mine. I know my parents loved you. They thought you were sweet, wonderful, strong, just a great woman. I'm not sure what your parents thought of me. I hoped they liked me. From what I saw of them in the beginning, they seemed like they cared about you. They would come help when you needed it. They were there for birthdays, inviting us out. Everything seemed normal. Then you told me your experiences. I was disgusted about the things you would say. I believed you. You wouldn't lie about things like that. I made the mistake, as said earlier, of thinking they cared. That's why I went to them for help. And like I said earlier, huge mistake. As time went on and other issues(sister) arose, I saw their true colors, all the things you told me, I saw. 

My parents. I made the mistake of not being open with them. They care about us. The care about the kids. Yes, they should have called you more to see how you were doing. They should have been more active in our lives, not just calling me, but trying to keep in touch with you too. They should have showed you more what you mean to them. They believed in us enough to help us buy a house. I'm sorry they didn't show you enough how much having you as a part of family meant to them. 

Reasons Pt. 3

"Few situations erode a marriage quite like infidelity or cheating. There's a simple solution. Only marry someone if you plan to be faithful forever. Then, be faithful. Don't cheat. Don't lie about relationships with other people. If somewhere down the road, you want to develop a relationship, kiss, or just have sex with someone other than your spouse, then be honest, tell your spouse before you do anything, and leave the marriage before you cheat. Cheating will only lead to mistrust, arguments, and an uphill battle to winning your marriage back. There's a good chance you won't win your marriage back and it will simply end because of your cheating. You'll have no one to blame but yourself."

This is one thing you never had to worry about with me. There was no way I would ever think of being with anyone else but you. You were everything I could ever hope for. You were the one. I did make the mistake of going to others when we had problems. I know you think it was some kind of relationship. It wasn't. Obviously. There were no feelings, I was looking for solutions, answers, trying to find a way to help us. No matter the intentions, it was wrong. All I needed was you. 

Reasons Pt. 2

"Money is a big trigger for fights in marriages. But you'll probably find that if you have money - enough to pay bills, have a little fun, and live reasonably well - you'll probably fight less. When one of you wants to overspend, especially with money you don't have, or gets into debt that you can't pay off, then you'll start to argue big time. Making money, which means bringing in revenue and not just spending like crazy, will go a long way to help you and your spouse stop the money fights."

We both always worried about money. I know you did a lot. So did I. No, we weren't rich. We struggled. But we always seemed to have enough to take care of things. We didn't have the best of everything, but we had the things we needed. We would have our arguments over money, but things would work out. We would find a way. I would always try and calm you down when it was an issue. You would say we were poor. We weren't. We had so much to be thankful for, and that's not being poor. 

Reasons Pt. 1

"When you're dating, you literally schedule fun time with one another (until and unless you move in together). Fun should not just stop because you got married. In fact, the fun should increase. There are no excuses. Now, you're together all the time, so you should be able to have more moments of spontaneity, as well as scheduled fun. Have date nights, make nights at home special with candlelit dinners or movies and popcorn, and simply relish in each other's arms."

We would do that. We would plan things to do together that we enjoyed. Going to the zoo. Watching tv together. Dinner dates. Photography. Watching baseball. Cuddle time. Our vacation together. We made time to spend together. Having a baby puts a strain on all of that. I understood things would change, we would lose that "us" time we had. The fact that he was, and isn't, the greatest sleeper also hurt us. We couldn't do those things that we used to anymore. There was always the worry of him falling asleep on the way home if we went and did things we used to do, then not sleeping at all at night. I tried to come up with ideas of things we could do to continue the fun we would have, and you did too, but it was difficult. 

I Promised You

Ask yourself. Why are you so upset with me? Is it because I didn't go? Is it because I thought about going? You got upset when I told you I was. You got upset when I decided it wasn't the right thing to do. The only reason I considered going was because you were upset with me and told me you didn't want to see me anymore and you weren't really talking to me. The reason I chose to stay is because of the promise I made to you. No more lies. No more walking out. Always being here for you and the kids. I wasn't wanting pity or for you to feel sorry for me. Why would you feel sorry for me? And you letting me come by yesterday, when you didn't have to, meant a lot to me. Because, yes, you are a nice person, you are a people pleaser. I've always told you that. You have a heart of gold. You try so hard to help people, and a lot of the time you get walked on. I wasn't doing that. I'm not going to take advantage of your kindness. All I want to do is show you that the kindness you show to me is greatly appreciated and all I want to do is the same for you. That's why I stayed. Leaving would have broken a promise I made to you. I told you I would be here for you and the kids. I wouldn't be able to do those things halfway around the world. I kept my promise. I didn't think it would upset you so much. I made the right decision. I chose you. I chose the kids. I chose my word to you. And by making that choice, not lying to you and keeping my promise, I have upset you again.