Dream

I dreamed that you messaged me last night and it said "I miss you". I woke up, looked at my phone. Nothing. I broke down and cried. God it hurts. 

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Malania. You are an amazing woman. Even though you are a year older, you look more amazing than ever. You still look like a teenager. I hope you have a great day. I love you very much. 

Today

Today hurt. More than you will ever know, it fucking hurt. I don't know if you even know why it did or if you even care. I know you have a heart, so, somewhere in there, I know you would understand why. 

But today hurt really fucking bad. 

Work

My job is very strenuous. It is very physical. It's non stop. It kicks my butt every day. I am sore. I have cuts. I have bruises. I sweat for eight hours plus. I have to stay with it, no matter what. It's the job you wanted me to have. The job you said you would be happy if I got. It will make me stronger, physically and mentally. I will have stability. I know if I stay with it, it will make me stronger financially. It is difficult though. The whole time I'm there, and the other sixteen hours of the day, all I think about is you. Seeing things you would love to have. Thinking of all the times we have gone to Hobby Lobby. So yes, I need this job, but it kills me thinking. It kills me not seeing nice messages from you on break and lunch, like you used to do. Hearing about your day, things you want to do, the way you missed me and loved me. Once again I'm in hell. But I guess that's where I have to be. I tried to be your everything. I tried so hard. It's hard to believe, how close we were again, and now to be even further apart than before. I really hope you see how much I tried for you. How much I love you and would give up everything to have that closeness back. 

I love you Malania. Always have, always will. 

My All

I gave you my all. All I wanted was to be with you. To try and show you how special you are to me. To be there whenever you needed or wanted me there. To provide for you whenever I possibly could. Every chance, I was there for you. If you asked me to come see you and I said, no, I can't, I have other things to do, that would have killed you. You would be thinking, something more important than me? That wouldn't happen. I was doing everything I could to see you whenever possible. I wanted to show you that nothing was more important than being there for you. You ask, I drop whatever I'm doing and I'm there for you. Because you are the most important thing in my life. I gave you my honesty. I didn't hide anything, lie or do anything to make you doubt my feelings of wanting to be with you or loving you. I tried so hard to make you happy because I didn't want to lose you again. I'm sorry my all isn't enough. At times, it was. I just wanted you to believe in me. Because yes, you are my everything. You're perfect. I really wish you knew what you mean to me. If you could see in my brain and heart, there would be no doubt. It would be, oh my god, you really do think the world of me. But that can't happen. All I can do is hope someday you realize I was honest, I was open, I was trying so hard for you, because you are worth it. I would give up everything for you, because without you, I have nothing. 

I love you so much. Please believe that. 

Drive

When I leave work, I go down I-240. When I used to leave work with my other job, I would go the same way. Now, it's just not the same. It's heartbreaking. It's sickening. Because now, my destination is different. I would be so happy on my way home. I was on my way to the most wonderful woman and awesome kids anyone could ever want. Being a part of something so amazing was the best feeling. The drive always felt so long, because I couldn't wait to get there. Now, I don't drive home. I don't feel like I have a home anymore. In my heart, my home is with you and the kids. That's where my happiness is. 

Worth

I know what you are worth to me. You are worth my life, my love, my blood, sweat, tears, effort, trust, heart. You are worth my honesty to you. I cannot and will not lie to you. I promised you I never would again. I promised to be open with you and tell you my thoughts, as you did with me. You are worth not giving up on. You are worth more to me than you will ever realize. I just wish you believed it. Hopefully someday you will. I wish I was worth something to you still. It felt good when you depended on me again. 

I always loved you and I always will.