Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
If I Should Die Before I Wake
If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand
But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe
Thinking Of You
When I'm all alone or in a crowd
In a quiet place or where music's loud
If I'm on the road, or in the other room
That's how you know, I'm thinkin' of you
When the flowers bloom, when the leaves turn brown
when the sun is hot, when the snow falls down, down
when the clouds are gray, and the sky's are blue
that's how you know, I'm thinkin' of you
I'm thinkin of you, that's all I do all the time
You're always the first and the last thing on this heart of mine
No matter where I go or what I do,
I'm thinkin' of you.
Can't remember names, who I used to be
what I cared about before you came to me, baby
Every selfish thought, all I thought I knew
has been replaced with thinkin' of you.
I'm thinkin of you, that's all I do all the time
You're always the first and the last thing on this heart of mine
No matter where I go or what I do,
I'm thinkin' of you.
Always thinkin' of you, yes I am.
Your Birthday
I'm sorry, if this isn't about me, my apologies. Your post "Pain". You are my love. My only one. You are everything to me. I am not trying to hurt you at all. I'm only yelling you how wonderful you are to me. I'm not bad mouthing you or any of that. If I have said something to upset you, please tell me what it was. That, was never my intent. I try and give you confidence, support and love. I'm not going to try and tear you down, one, you don't deserve it, and two, it would hurt me just as much you. I didn't try to ruin your birthday. I sent you a happy birthday text at around 7am that day. I posted to Instagram and my blog wishing you a happy birthday. I brought you gifts, a card and cupcakes. I know they weren't much, but they were given thinking of you. Again, if it's not about me, my apologies. I just don't want you thinking I don't care about you or love you more than anything. Because I do.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
If
Malania, if you read these, please text me, call me, anything. I can't give up. You are worth everything to me. I care about you and love you so much. We can have good times again. All of this arguing and fighting was all a big mistake. Why would I want what we had to end? With all of my heart, I never tried to decieve you or lie to you or make you feel unwanted. You know that. You know I can't. I knew what would happen if I did, that's why I couldn't. In your heart, you know what you mean to me. Please listen to it. Please remember how happy we were again.
Talk to me, please.
I love you.
Instantly
It was like that. Remember? It still is with me. God Malania, please remember that. Remember saying "I hate when you leave. I never know when I will see you or hear from you again". Now it's me wondering if I will ever even get a simple "hey, what are you doing" text. Please don't give up. Remember all the things we talked about doing when things were good. All of those things I wanted to do. I hope somewhere in your heart you do too.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Anything
Please text me. We can talk about anything or nothing. Your day. How you are feeling. Your pains. The kids. The dogs. The weather. Baseball. Anything. Just normal stuff. Or, just say "hey". Something as simple as that. I will just say hey back. If you want to say more, that's up to you. I will answer you. Any hour. I care. I love you.
Poke
I miss your pokes. I think it was up to 45 in a row. I miss getting my butt kicked at Yahtzee. You're "hey" texts. I keep hoping you will see what you mean to me. I'm here anytime if you want to talk. I'll always answer. I love you very much.
Dream
I dreamed that you messaged me last night and it said "I miss you". I woke up, looked at my phone. Nothing. I broke down and cried. God it hurts.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday Malania. You are an amazing woman. Even though you are a year older, you look more amazing than ever. You still look like a teenager. I hope you have a great day. I love you very much.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Today
Today hurt. More than you will ever know, it fucking hurt. I don't know if you even know why it did or if you even care. I know you have a heart, so, somewhere in there, I know you would understand why.
But today hurt really fucking bad.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Work
My job is very strenuous. It is very physical. It's non stop. It kicks my butt every day. I am sore. I have cuts. I have bruises. I sweat for eight hours plus. I have to stay with it, no matter what. It's the job you wanted me to have. The job you said you would be happy if I got. It will make me stronger, physically and mentally. I will have stability. I know if I stay with it, it will make me stronger financially. It is difficult though. The whole time I'm there, and the other sixteen hours of the day, all I think about is you. Seeing things you would love to have. Thinking of all the times we have gone to Hobby Lobby. So yes, I need this job, but it kills me thinking. It kills me not seeing nice messages from you on break and lunch, like you used to do. Hearing about your day, things you want to do, the way you missed me and loved me. Once again I'm in hell. But I guess that's where I have to be. I tried to be your everything. I tried so hard. It's hard to believe, how close we were again, and now to be even further apart than before. I really hope you see how much I tried for you. How much I love you and would give up everything to have that closeness back.
I love you Malania. Always have, always will.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
My All
I gave you my all. All I wanted was to be with you. To try and show you how special you are to me. To be there whenever you needed or wanted me there. To provide for you whenever I possibly could. Every chance, I was there for you. If you asked me to come see you and I said, no, I can't, I have other things to do, that would have killed you. You would be thinking, something more important than me? That wouldn't happen. I was doing everything I could to see you whenever possible. I wanted to show you that nothing was more important than being there for you. You ask, I drop whatever I'm doing and I'm there for you. Because you are the most important thing in my life. I gave you my honesty. I didn't hide anything, lie or do anything to make you doubt my feelings of wanting to be with you or loving you. I tried so hard to make you happy because I didn't want to lose you again. I'm sorry my all isn't enough. At times, it was. I just wanted you to believe in me. Because yes, you are my everything. You're perfect. I really wish you knew what you mean to me. If you could see in my brain and heart, there would be no doubt. It would be, oh my god, you really do think the world of me. But that can't happen. All I can do is hope someday you realize I was honest, I was open, I was trying so hard for you, because you are worth it. I would give up everything for you, because without you, I have nothing.
I love you so much. Please believe that.
Drive
When I leave work, I go down I-240. When I used to leave work with my other job, I would go the same way. Now, it's just not the same. It's heartbreaking. It's sickening. Because now, my destination is different. I would be so happy on my way home. I was on my way to the most wonderful woman and awesome kids anyone could ever want. Being a part of something so amazing was the best feeling. The drive always felt so long, because I couldn't wait to get there. Now, I don't drive home. I don't feel like I have a home anymore. In my heart, my home is with you and the kids. That's where my happiness is.
Worth
I know what you are worth to me. You are worth my life, my love, my blood, sweat, tears, effort, trust, heart. You are worth my honesty to you. I cannot and will not lie to you. I promised you I never would again. I promised to be open with you and tell you my thoughts, as you did with me. You are worth not giving up on. You are worth more to me than you will ever realize. I just wish you believed it. Hopefully someday you will. I wish I was worth something to you still. It felt good when you depended on me again.
I always loved you and I always will.
If You Care
I miss you. So terribly bad. I hope we can work on friends again. You are the most important part of my life. I love you very much. 
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