Wandering

I dreamed of you last night. I dreamed you were wandering in the dark, and so was I. We found each other. We found each other in the dark.

Remember

I wish, for a moment, she would sit down, and think. Think about all the fun times. All the smiles. All the laughs. All the close moments shared together. The trips. The cuddling. Holding hands. Working together. All the good. 

Yes, there were bad times. Everyone has them. There were quite a bit. But much more good than bad. Those good times were real. They were genuine. Two people who enjoyed the company of each other. He loved being with her, and she loved being with him. That wasn't a lie. That was real. 

There were lies. There was deception. There were broken promises. Not because he didn't love her. Not because he wanted to hurt her. Not because he didn't want to be with her. All of it was there because he was so scared of fighting with her. So scared of losing her. All he had to do was listen to her. Trust her that things would be ok. 

A name. His past. Jesus. What does a name matter? As long as two people who love each other are together, shouldn't that be all that mattered? His past. It bothered her so much. Whether he loved her as much as others before. More. More than he had ever loved anyone, ever. What he felt, and still feels, cannot be measured. It is pure, complete, comforting love. He knew she could never be replaced. She won't. His past. She was protecting herself and the children every time she brought it up to him. She wanted to be sure he was a better person than he was before her. He is. But he would get so upset. He didn't want her comparing herself to anyone. It's not possible. There is no comparing an angel to anything. He tried to reassure her, but it was tough. 

Please just think. Think of the good times, without all the bad. Please. There were so many good times, great times. Please remember. 

Always

"Be with someone who wont stay angry with you, who can't stand not talking to you, and who's afraid of losing you."

I could never stay angry with you. You mean too much to me. Not talking like we used to hurts. I love hearing from you. How your day is going. What you are working on. How the kids are. How you are feeling. Everything. I was always afraid of losing you. That's why I tried anything. What I didn't try was the right thing. Listening. Supporting. 

I love you. More than you could ever imagine. 

Unconditional Parental Love???

Mothers are supposed to love their daughters. Fathers are supposed to give everything they have for their daughters. The ones I speak of do, just to the wrong one.

You have never seen someone give so much as she does. No one cares more about her kids than this woman. She will help just about anyone when they have a problem. She has a heart of gold. She gives and gives and gives. She has earned respect. But yet, she gets shit on. 

Her sister, well, let me just say, is the complete opposite of her. Always taking, always asking for handouts, fooling everyone into thinking she is a great mother, a good person. Wrong! Never have I seen someone use so many people to get what she wants. She asks, she gets from mother and father. Anything. Everything. ASAP. 

On the other hand, the angel, the miracle on earth gets this...

"I'll be by to help you". Seven months later, nothing. "We'll bring it by soon". Two months later, nothing. "We can't make it to your sons birthday party, we have to go get a saw". And the two worst, "You were a mistake. I should have had an abortion", and when something vital for her and the kids well being needed to be replaced in the house, "You might try dating someone who can help you with that". Are you fucking kidding me???? 

I made the huge mistake a few years ago of thinking her parents loved her and would do anything for her. I was wrong. Dead wrong. They care more about a self centered user than the most beautiful heart and soul God could have ever put on this earth. It's sickening. It breaks my heart. 

I had the chance to be her everything. I let it all slip away. I hate myself even more every time I hear things like that, because I was supposed to be her support. That is why I have promised her to do everything I can for her. To stand by her through anything. To listen. To help. I will not let her down anymore. Too many people have, including me. 

For You

Devotion

Promise

Compassion

Support

Love

You are the greatest woman. You deserve the best. Someone who is there for you and the kids. Someone who won't put others ahead of you or judge you. Someone who won't question your ideas. Someone who will support your dreams. Someone who will stand by your side through anything. Someone who loves you more than anything. Someone who knows your goals, wants, needs. 

That person is me. 

The Truth

You gave me hope. 

You gave me a love I have never felt. 

You gave me dreams. 

You gave me inspiration. 

You gave me a new future. 

Hope. You believed in me. You knew I was a good person behind all my past insecurities. You trusted me to be a good husband and father. I failed. 

Love. The love I felt and still feel for you cannot ever be explained in words. It was never about how you looked. It was and is about the person you are. You are the most unique and unbelievable woman. Your heart is pure. Your values are angelic. The way you live your life should be a rule book for everyone else. You give. You struggle. You have setbacks and times where things don't go your way. But you still give. You still try your hardest. You made me feel on top of the world with you. You would think sometimes that I was comparing you to others. Not a chance. There is no comparing you to anything. You are the pinnacle. You are a blessing. Nothing was impossible as long as we worked together. Those reasons, your heart, that is why I love you more than life itself. It's who you are, it always has been. 

Dreams. When we would talk about future ideas and plans, it made me feel so good. Planning things with you was incredible. A home. A family. Parties. Decorating. Trips. Meals. Everything. Listening to your ideas, your hopes and dreams, I wanted so much to help you make them come true. You are brilliant. You are imaginative. You have drive. You are what everyone should be like. But they aren't. That is what makes you so much better than anyone else. No one could ever compare to you. 

Inspiration. You helped me see that the life I was living was not the life intended for me. You inspired me to be better. To focus my priorities on what is important in life. Family. Nothing else matters. It shouldn't. Be there for your family, the ones you love most. If there are problems, talk them out, don't run away from them. Sure, we had plenty of setbacks, plenty of unexpected issues arise, unexpected financial setbacks...but we always got through them. We had to sacrifice things sometimes, but we got through them by working together. Why and how? Because when we work together to solve a problem, we do. We are better together than apart. You inspired me to try. Many things I had never done before, you calmed my doubts. Whether it was trying crab, your awesome green bean casserole or replacing a faucet, I knew I could do it with your support. You bring out in me what I thought I could never do.

Future. Our future was heading in the right direction. I had seen the errors of my ways and was focused on being the best for you and the kids. It took far too long to get the wrong way to do things out of me, but with you by my side, it became possible. The bad was still there, but in the past, still haunting you. Every turn, every unfortunate event, it all came back to my mistakes. As well it should. I caused your doubt. My past actions made you think only the worst of me. My poor judgement in the past. My broken promises. But that was the past. Our future was to get better. It had to. Sure there would be financial struggles, emotional struggles. But we had gotten through them before, and we could again. This time without the lies, without the broken promises. I had changed. 

Things the way they were. No. Lies? No. Broken promises? No. Loneliness? No. Showing you nothing would stop me from doing everything I can for you? Yes. Being there for you and the kids? Yes. Being the father and companion I was supposed to be? Yes. Giving you support in all of your ideas and creations? Yes. Standing by your side when everyone else turns their back on you? YES. Showing you the love and compassion that you deserve? YES. 

I never wanted to change you. You were perfect when I met you and you are still perfect. A name doesn't change who you are, but it's not something to fight over either. When we met, you were the sweetest, most loving, most giving woman and mother, and I would never want to change that. It's who you are. It's why I love you. 

My promises mean something to me now. My word to you is something I will never go back on. I will be there for you. I will be there for the children. I will give all my effort for you and them. I will care for you and them, protect you and cherish you, until my time on earth is over. And I will love you with everything I am for as long as I live. Those things I promise you and will never, ever break. 

You are a great woman. You are capable of anything you put your mind and heart into. You can achieve so much. By your side, I wanted to see it happen, to help you any way I could. By your side. That was my dream. 

From My Heart

  

Never, ever, lie to the one you love more than life itself. It's just not worth it. Ever. Not a little lie. Not a big lie. Don't. Even if you think what you are doing is trying to keep your relationship together, don't. It will tear it apart. To love someone, truly love someone, that once in a lifetime love, a love that consumes you, and to not be able to spend your life with them...is hell. Complete hell. All you want to do is go home and hold her and tell her everything is going to be ok, but you can't. Losing that, and the pure joy of six wonderful children, is hell. Always tell her the truth. Even if it makes things bad for a little bit, at least she still trusts in you to be honest with her. I know these things as a fact, because I am the one in hell.