I Tried....

....and tried to explain what it felt like with you. It was the most unbelievable feeling. It was spiritual. It was pure. It was complete. Even just holding your hand was electrifying. Holding you in my arms was like holding an angel. The energy I felt was overwhelming. Completely emotional. Completely real. 

And even that can't completely explain. You're the one. 

Blind

I'm sorry. I never understood, until I saw it happen. In the beginning, I saw them help you. I saw them always being there when you needed something. I didn't really see until someone "more important to them" needed them. I saw what happened. I saw what you were trying to tell me. I never thought parents could be that way. I saw what became their priority. That's when things became clear. That's when my communication with them stopped. Not because you found out. Because I saw. I thought they cared. Honestly, I did. I saw how they turned their back on you. But, I was wrong to even go to them. There was no one that could solve our problems but us. And if I had known how your sister would turn on you too, I would have begged you to stop trying to communicate and be there for her too. You tried for so long to be her friend and a proud sister. Finally, after she became pregnant, she decided to let you back in. Why? Because there was no one else better who knew everything about pregnancy and children than you. You are amazing. But when everything was done, she turned her back on you too. Babysitting excuses. Completely fucking you over on photography. Asking for help and advice then ignoring you. It's not right. You deserve better than that. 

I am completely sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I didn't understand. I heard what you were telling me, I just didn't see it, until it was too late to take everything back and realize that they didn't care. I never said anything bad about you. All I was looking for was answers to help us.

I was looking at the wrong people. 

Love

I wasn't perfect. I had issues. I had flaws. But you fell in love with me. I tried to be better. I tried to be your world. You were and are mine. I tried to leave my past behind. It kept coming up. I gave up all of my childish obsessions and pointless and meaningless comments about others. I focused my life on what was important, the love I had for you and the family we were. You still doubted. That always crushed me. There was nowhere I wanted and still want to be but with you and the children. When things got rough, when things broke, didn't go the way you wanted, people said things about you, your doubts about photography, I always tried to encourage you, tell you we would figure it out, support your opinions and just reassure you that you are wonderful and we will get through it. You would get so upset. I tried to calm you down. I tried to tell you that I would do everything I can. Not once did I think we weren't going to work. Not once did I think that it was all your fault things broke or an extra expense occurred. I tried to figure out ways to calm you down and make it through. You would talk about giving up on life, photography, everything. I tried to give you encouragement, tell you that you are amazing at what you do, all the things you put up with, all the demands put upon you, by yourself and others. I didn't give up on you. I believed in you. I believed in us. We have gone through many unforeseen events that you thought we couldn't get through. We had to sacrifice, but we did it. It was a dream of ours to give the kids a big Disney vacation. We thought it was just a dream. We would never be able to afford two weeks of fun and theme parks. We did it. Many things we though we could never do, we did. We made it happen, because we didn't give up.

I've seen you doubt. I've seen you want to give up. I've seen you hurt. I've seen you angry. I didn't jump ship. I didn't give up. I tried to be your support when things weren't going the way they should. I tried to calm you and tell you we would get through it, like we had every time before. 

I didn't stop loving you. I didn't stop caring. I didn't stop trying. I didn't give up. 

Promise

I've broken a lot. And by doing that I lost your trust. I've been doing everything I can to show you that you can trust me. My promises I will keep to you. I can't and won't lie to you again. I value what time we do spend together too much to give what's left up by breaking another promise. I try to do things to help you. To make your life a little easier. I am always here for you, for anything. Please don't get so upset when I haven't done something yet. I will. I won't lie to you. 

I made a promise to you. I know what that means now. 

If I Could Turn Back Time...

...to the day we first met. Seeing you come around the corner, your smile, your eyes, your hair. Heavenly. Your voice so sweet. Your laugh infectious. I close my eyes and remember it like it was yesterday. If I could go back, everything would be perfect, like it was. I would know how to talk to you. I would know how to react to situations. I would know how to be the boyfriend, fiancé, and husband you deserve. I would still be your Prince Charming. I would change so much. But, given the chance, I would never turn around and walk away. You are God's gift to this earth. You are the one. I love you more now than I did then, and I will love you more tomorrow than today....

...and I would take a step back before picking you up. 

I love you Malania. I always will. 

Wandering

I dreamed of you last night. I dreamed you were wandering in the dark, and so was I. We found each other. We found each other in the dark.

Remember

I wish, for a moment, she would sit down, and think. Think about all the fun times. All the smiles. All the laughs. All the close moments shared together. The trips. The cuddling. Holding hands. Working together. All the good. 

Yes, there were bad times. Everyone has them. There were quite a bit. But much more good than bad. Those good times were real. They were genuine. Two people who enjoyed the company of each other. He loved being with her, and she loved being with him. That wasn't a lie. That was real. 

There were lies. There was deception. There were broken promises. Not because he didn't love her. Not because he wanted to hurt her. Not because he didn't want to be with her. All of it was there because he was so scared of fighting with her. So scared of losing her. All he had to do was listen to her. Trust her that things would be ok. 

A name. His past. Jesus. What does a name matter? As long as two people who love each other are together, shouldn't that be all that mattered? His past. It bothered her so much. Whether he loved her as much as others before. More. More than he had ever loved anyone, ever. What he felt, and still feels, cannot be measured. It is pure, complete, comforting love. He knew she could never be replaced. She won't. His past. She was protecting herself and the children every time she brought it up to him. She wanted to be sure he was a better person than he was before her. He is. But he would get so upset. He didn't want her comparing herself to anyone. It's not possible. There is no comparing an angel to anything. He tried to reassure her, but it was tough. 

Please just think. Think of the good times, without all the bad. Please. There were so many good times, great times. Please remember.