Day Of Birth

Today is my birthday. It's supposed to be a happy day. It's not. Happy would be spending time with the woman and kids I love so much. The birthday cookie and dinner tradition she has. It was wonderful. Last year, it happened a week after the divorce was filed. There was no cookie, no dinner out. We ate at home. But I was home. With them. She apologized for not having a gift. She did though. Having dinner with them, being there with them, that was the gift. The best gift. Sitting at the dinner table with the most wonderful woman and children was more than I could ever want. My world. God I want that back. I wish she knew what it all meant to me. I wish she knew how much I appreciated everything she did. I wish I could have shown her more. 

Mistake

I hope you will see that I wasn't a mistake. We did lots of great things together. Yes, I made mistakes. But I'm not a bad person. I'm not a creep. I'm not a deadbeat. I am a man who loves you so much, so much that I did things I shouldn't have. It was all to try and help. It didn't. Lying doesn't help. Making you feel lonely doesn't help. Sure I would get mad and upset at you at times. The things you would say about me hurt. I was not the person I used to be. I knew how special you were and I wanted to be special for you. I could never stay mad at you though. You melt me. I hope you see how heartbroken I am that I hurt your beautiful heart and soul. I will always try to make it up to you, because you deserve it. You deserve my best efforts, my honesty, my all. Mistake is a bad word to you. I know. I know why. You are not a mistake. We were not a mistake. I will do everything to prove that to you. 

Still

After everything, all that has happened, I still think the world of you. I still think you are the most amazing woman on the planet. The most amazing mother. You have the sweetest heart, an incredible mind. I still love you more than anything. What I feel for you will never change. It's my fault you have so much anger and hate. It's my fault. All of it. 

And I am forever sorry for ruining something so amazing and causing you so much pain and doubt. 

The One

There will never be anyone else. 

No one can compare. They never could. 

There's you, then the rest of the world. 

You are my everything. 

I Tried....

....and tried to explain what it felt like with you. It was the most unbelievable feeling. It was spiritual. It was pure. It was complete. Even just holding your hand was electrifying. Holding you in my arms was like holding an angel. The energy I felt was overwhelming. Completely emotional. Completely real. 

And even that can't completely explain. You're the one. 

Blind

I'm sorry. I never understood, until I saw it happen. In the beginning, I saw them help you. I saw them always being there when you needed something. I didn't really see until someone "more important to them" needed them. I saw what happened. I saw what you were trying to tell me. I never thought parents could be that way. I saw what became their priority. That's when things became clear. That's when my communication with them stopped. Not because you found out. Because I saw. I thought they cared. Honestly, I did. I saw how they turned their back on you. But, I was wrong to even go to them. There was no one that could solve our problems but us. And if I had known how your sister would turn on you too, I would have begged you to stop trying to communicate and be there for her too. You tried for so long to be her friend and a proud sister. Finally, after she became pregnant, she decided to let you back in. Why? Because there was no one else better who knew everything about pregnancy and children than you. You are amazing. But when everything was done, she turned her back on you too. Babysitting excuses. Completely fucking you over on photography. Asking for help and advice then ignoring you. It's not right. You deserve better than that. 

I am completely sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I didn't understand. I heard what you were telling me, I just didn't see it, until it was too late to take everything back and realize that they didn't care. I never said anything bad about you. All I was looking for was answers to help us.

I was looking at the wrong people. 

Love

I wasn't perfect. I had issues. I had flaws. But you fell in love with me. I tried to be better. I tried to be your world. You were and are mine. I tried to leave my past behind. It kept coming up. I gave up all of my childish obsessions and pointless and meaningless comments about others. I focused my life on what was important, the love I had for you and the family we were. You still doubted. That always crushed me. There was nowhere I wanted and still want to be but with you and the children. When things got rough, when things broke, didn't go the way you wanted, people said things about you, your doubts about photography, I always tried to encourage you, tell you we would figure it out, support your opinions and just reassure you that you are wonderful and we will get through it. You would get so upset. I tried to calm you down. I tried to tell you that I would do everything I can. Not once did I think we weren't going to work. Not once did I think that it was all your fault things broke or an extra expense occurred. I tried to figure out ways to calm you down and make it through. You would talk about giving up on life, photography, everything. I tried to give you encouragement, tell you that you are amazing at what you do, all the things you put up with, all the demands put upon you, by yourself and others. I didn't give up on you. I believed in you. I believed in us. We have gone through many unforeseen events that you thought we couldn't get through. We had to sacrifice, but we did it. It was a dream of ours to give the kids a big Disney vacation. We thought it was just a dream. We would never be able to afford two weeks of fun and theme parks. We did it. Many things we though we could never do, we did. We made it happen, because we didn't give up.

I've seen you doubt. I've seen you want to give up. I've seen you hurt. I've seen you angry. I didn't jump ship. I didn't give up. I tried to be your support when things weren't going the way they should. I tried to calm you and tell you we would get through it, like we had every time before. 

I didn't stop loving you. I didn't stop caring. I didn't stop trying. I didn't give up.