Always

I know you. I know who you are. I know what matters to you. I know what upsets you. I know your hobbies. I know your favorite foods. I know your past. I know your dreams. I know your hopes. I know your heart. I know your compassion. I know your pain. I know your schedule. I know you. And knowing all of that...

...I love you. Completely. Never ending. I told you that you were the one. I told you forever. I told you no matter what, I would love you until I die. I haven't stopped. And I never will. And yes, I love YOU. Not because of the way you look, but because of the woman I KNOW. 

You are my world. You are my everything. There is no bad mouthing you. Ask anyone. All you will hear is how wonderful he says you are. How sweet and giving. How you are his one, true love and no matter what happens, he won't stop loving you. 

The truth IS out.

My love for you will always be. It's just waiting for you to truly accept it. 

Hate?

Hate. A very strong word. If you are a genuinely loving person, you shouldn't hate anyone. You may hate things they do, how they act, etc. Especially if at one point you were in love with them, hate should never come up. I was happy. I was satisfied. I was completely at peace when you would say "I'm in love with you" and "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you". That was it. I was finished. I had found the one. No more looking. No more comparing. You were everything. 

"I, personally do not think a person can go from love to hate so quickly.  Maybe you hate something that they did or said.  But real love is still there.  At times, people are so angry that they think they hate something or even someone when in fact, its the anger." Your quote. Real love is still there, if it was real. For me, it was. Unbelievably, it still is. After everything, I'm still in love with you. Am I stupid for feeling that way? To me, no. Because it is real. 

"Forever is thrown around to loosely  in today's time.  Men use "forever" to get what they want." Ummm, no. Maybe pigs and perverts. Not me. When I told you forever, I meant it. Old and gray. Hand in hand. Forever. What did I want when I told you forever? You. Forever. No hidden agenda. No games. Us. Forever. Grand kids. Sitting in a swing. Playing bingo. Watching baseball. Anything. 

What did I do to make you "hate men" and become "bitter and resentful"? I think other people in your life made you that way more than me. People who's names begin with J, R, and S. I always tried to tell you, "worry about what's under your roof, not what people think, not what's on your phone". Open your eyes and look at all you have. 

I know you. I know the kind of person you are. You are a sweet, kind, beautiful, amazing, loving person and mother. You have been through a lot, but that shouldn't change who you are. I never wanted to change you. Why would I want to change someone so wonderful? 

I love you because I know you. I've seen who you are. I've seen you work. I've seen you play. I've seen you stressed. I've seen you angry. I've seen you sad. I've seen you love. It has nothing to do with how amazingly beautiful you are. That would be so wrong. Shallow. I would have always been here for you. You would have never been "alone". You say I made you feel that way, but you were never alone. Even when I was gone, you weren't alone. The love I felt for you, if you would have just believed in it, was always there. I loved holding your hand, coming home to you and kissing you goodnight. I also loved waking in the middle of the night and seeing you next to me. I felt so blessed and honored to be next to you. They say there are three or four people for each of us???? No. True, undying, complete love...there is only one, at least for me. Sure, I have thought I was in love before, but feeling what I felt with you, the complete satisfaction of knowing, that was once in a lifetime. 

Things may change, I did. For you. I found the reason I was put on this earth. I have up my "obsessions". I gave up caring about things that didn't matter. Who was doing what. Who had what. I had you, or so I thought. That was all I needed. You and six wonderful children. That was all I needed. I wish you could understand that people change for the better. I did. Sure, I made mistakes. I'm human. But I know loving you was not one of them. 

So, as crazy as it sounds, and to the disbelief of many, I am still completely in love with you. If you said "come home", I would do it in a heartbeat. Because I truly love you and care about you. I told you that you were my forever. You are. 

No. I don't hate you. I love you completely. 

I have nothing.

It's interesting. You always say I thought about me. I did what I wanted to do. I never cared about you like I should have. I didn't think of you like I should have. 

When you told me to leave this last time, did you notice that what I took with me was basically what I brought in with me when I moved in. I never really bought anything for myself. It was more important for me to do for you. I had what I wanted. I had all I needed. You even would say it. "It will be easy to pack, you don't have much." Material things, no, I don't. I had something even more valuable than anything. I had you. I had an amazing family. Three years, and I basically have what I started with. 

I had a home. I helped get things for this home. I had a wife I would do anything for, sometimes the wrong things, but with the right intentions. I had six wonderful children. None of which I can see anymore. I can't even talk to them. I provided as best I could. My blood, sweat and tears are in that house. I worked hard to make it the best I could. Building, painting, digging. Sure, there were things I would have liked to have. But what was more important to me was making sure you had things you wanted and needed. 

Yes, my mistakes caused us to not be together anymore. You lost too. You lost someone who would never give up on you. Someone who put you on a pedestal. Someone who always tried to inspire you. Someone who doesn't have prior responsibilities to concern himself with, there's only you and the kids. No kids from a previous relationship to worry about. Nothing but you and the kids. But if you think I took more than I gave, I think you need to take a look around at what you have, then look at what I left with. Even now, I can't stop giving. I will always want to help you, provide as much as I can for you. I'm not stupid. People may think I am for still trying to give you more than you ask for. But I made a promise. I made it three years ago this May. To provide for you. I promised it again recently. I will always be here to help you. 

I know I broke promises. But look at the promises I broke. Lying to you. What did I lie about? Stopping the running to others. It took longer than it should have, but it's been two years since I last did that. But it still comes up. I was wrong to do it in the first place. Walking out. I've explained why I did that. I'm sorry you don't understand my reasons. I didn't want to fight. I needed to think before I said something I didn't want to. Still, wrong to do. Should I have left? No. Walk outside. Yes. Those broken promises. Bad? Yes. Marriage ending? In most cases, no. I didn't cheat on you. I didn't lay a hand on you in anger. I didn't lie about drinking or smoking. I didn't lie about my feelings for you. "To have and to hold, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part". Not a lie. I always held you, even when you didn't want me to. I was by your side when you were sick. I always told you it didn't matter if you were three hundred pounds, lost all your hair or were paralyzed, I was going to love you and want you always. You never believed me. Why you would think I just wanted to be with you because you are beautiful is beyond me. You are beautiful, but your beauty inside is why I love you as much as I do. I did everything I could financially for us. We weren't rich, but we weren't poor either. It hurt to hear you say we were poor. We had a house, food, clothes, and enough to provide fun times for us and the children. That's not poor. 

I love you. I will always be in love with you. You will always be a princess to me. I hope someday you see how much I did try for you, to do things to make you happy. Just look what you have, then look what I have. I never asked for anything but your love and understanding, and sometimes your patience.  Pardon me, I did make a big deal about names. That was my mistake. I wasn't trying to change who you were. All I wanted was you. You were all I could ever need. You thought the same about me too. 

And even still....

...after even more bullshit, I still love you. Why? Because I know you aren't mean. I know you aren't vindictive. You are hurt. You are not lonely. You are loved. By me. 

Things

I miss you so much. I don't know if you care or not. But I do. Waking up next to you. Hearing you blowdry your hair in the mornings. Talking sports. Talking photography. Lunch. Dinner. Your ideas. Holding your hand. Rubbing your back. Kissing your lips. The little point on your upper lip. Your beautiful belly button. Your menus. Laundry. Your pillows. Everything. Every little thing you did was my life. And I loved it so much. 

I hope you care. 

Even after...

...all of this. The silence. All the other guys you talk to or see. All the names. You not caring. After all of that...

...I still love you more than anything on earth. I still care about you more than anything. 

Is that desperation? No. That is devotion. That is commitment. That is true love in the purest sense. 

I would still give anything for you. After everything, if you had done everything to me what I did to you, I would hold you in my arms, look you in the eyes, and tell you...

"...we will be ok, I know you were trying anything you could to keep us together and not to fight with me. And for that, I appreciate your effort, it meant you cared about us and would do anything to save us, and I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for trying so hard. I love you honey, I always will."

Why? Because people make mistakes. Even the marriages that last a lifetime go through really bad times. But they don't give up on each other. I never did. People will do anything to help and try to save something that is so special to them. Do they do everything the right way? No. But they try. If it is a lie or broken promise, it's not to hurt that person, it's to hide their own flaws, but it doesn't mean they don't love that person. 

What I'm trying to say, I wouldn't have given up on you. We had something really special. We had real fun together. We loved being together. And that's not something you just give up on. 

Time

It's time to go for help. The silence is too much. I didn't stay to have this happen. I stayed to be close, to be here for you like I promised you. Now, you won't even talk.