I Know

I know you think I didn't care. I always did. I cared so much. I knew you hurt. I knew you were always in pain. You hid it well sometimes. Sometimes I could just look at you and see. I always wanted to help you. I hated knowing that you lived with so much discomfort. I wanted to fix you. I wanted you better. You have a beautiful stomach. But all that pain inside it was crushing for me. That's why I would always kiss your tummy, or when I held you from behind, I wanted my hands on your tummy. I wanted you to know that I knew. I always knew. That was my way of showing you I won't forget what you are going through. You are too beautiful and too wonderful to be in so much pain. 

I always knew. I always wanted to help. 

About You

I always tried to tell you how special you are to me. Sometimes I didn't show it very well. But God I knew it. When I would look at you and you would get mad at me for staring, I wasn't trying to be rude or make you feel uncomfortable, I was just in awe of you. You are so amazing. Following every curve of your perfect face, every strand of hair, I was mesmerized. How could someone so perfect be right next to me? Your eyes glistened. Your beautiful mind never stopped. Your soft, flawless skin. Malania, you were every wish, every dream, every hope. You were everything. 

You're not just a woman and a mother...

...you're an angel. 

And I know we are in a bad place right now. I hate it. I hate the things we say to each other. We are both upset. 

But I will always forgive you. 

And I will always love you. 

The Real Lie

I could say, I wish we never happened. I wish the last three years of my life could be erased. 

But it would be a lie. 

It was the best time of my life. Yes, there have been moments that were the worst of my life too, but they were just moments. Moments, in three years of so much joy, so much happiness. 

We WERE happy together. You can't deny that. All of those times spent together, laughing, smiling, holding. Adventures together, trips, walks, holidays, events, sports, photos, birth. None of that was a lie. It was real. It was us. It was how we were meant to be. You're lying to yourself if you didn't feel that too. 

I wish you would have forgiven me. I wish I wouldn't have done the things I did. We could be doing good, then something happens and your mind would go back. I wanted you to see what you meant to me. I was truly completely happy with you. I wanted so bad for you to feel that way with me. You did. But that feeling got buried in all the mistakes. 

Is it still in there? Buried inside you? I don't know. Sometimes I think it is. Sometimes I don't. I wish you would have believed in me. Trusted me to be your protector, your friend, your companion. I was truly happy with you. You were, are and always will be my world. 

Names

All the names and compliments I've called and said to you in the last three years:

Malania, Beautiful, Sexy, Hot, Stunning, Gorgeous, Amazing, Wonderful, Awesome, Girlfriend, Fiancé, Wife, Partner, Friend, Companion, Superwoman, Supermom, Wonderwoman, Creative, Smart, Brilliant, Loving, Caring, Special, Unique, Honey, Baby.......and Perfect. 

I still put you on a pedestal. Even today. 

Confused Again

How many times did I call you perfect? Do you remember? You should. So many times it got to you. "No I'm not". That's what you would say. Of course, nobody is perfect. Everyone has their flaws, their little insecurities, issues, etc. 

But you were perfect, to me. Because of the way you made me feel. They way you did things. The way you tried. Your effort. Your heart. Your voice. Your smile. I tried and tried to make you believe that you are irreplaceable to me. You are. 

Because you are perfect. To me. And I do love you, still. With all of my heart. Even after all of this. I do. Always. 

True Love

True love, complete, total, pure, undying, unconditional love, doesn't just stop. I still love you with all of my heart. I always will. Love hurts sometimes. Love is worry. Love is beautiful. Love is emotion. Love is kind. Love is harsh. But if it's real, it will always be there. It's real for me. Sure, lies hurt. Sure, broken promises hurt. Everyone lies. Everyone breaks promises. We are human. We make mistakes. It's the substance of the lies and broken promises that matter. Were they done to hurt you intentionally? Or were they done trying to help and fix problems?

I'm still here, trying to fix problems. I promised I would be. I tried. I waited. I pleaded. I begged. It didn't have to be this way. It could have been stopped. 

Always And Forever

"If you really love her, you wont hurt her". 

I did really love you. And I still do. People do things and hurt others doing it. Were they trying to? No. You have to look at what they did to hurt you. I lied and broke promises. But what I was doing was trying to help us. It was the wrong thing to do, but I was just trying to help. Walking out was to not fight. Cool off. Think. Was I wrong to lie and break promises about them? Yes. But I did those things with good intentions. Not to hurt you. You have lied and broke promises too. But I was always willing to forgive you and see past it and continue working on "us". 

"Real love stories never have endings."

Ours shouldn't have either. If it was real love. My love for you is real. Why? Because it's still there. Stronger than ever. I will always be in love with you. No matter what. You are my Cinderella. 

"I gave you my heart but it was never enough."

Yes it was. You were enough. Even at the end, being with you was enough. I knew you had other people to talk to and want to meet, but just being with you was enough. Sure it hurt knowing that. But I wasn't going to give up trying. You mean too much to me. That's the truth. 

I told you that you were everything. You would always be my only true love for the rest of my life. You will always have my heart. You will always have me. 

You do. You have all of me forever. No one is getting into my heart ever again. It is protected...

...by your memory. By the most heavenly name on earth, yours.