Commitment

I committed to you. December 2010. To always be yours. All of me. My body. My heart. My soul. To always love you. To never want another. To always care for you. To always fight for you. To give my life for you. 

I committed. Nothing has changed. 

It never will. 

You

So Many Tears

Yes, I cried. So many times. Good tears and bad ones. When I thought about what it was like being with you, holding you, feeling your love, just knowing I was where I was supposed to be, that my life had meaning, that I was with the most amazing woman, I cried. Those tears, those were good ones. When Parker was born. Watching you. Holding you during the delivery. Seeing you deliver our son. Your strength. Your love. Good tears. 

Our fights. Seeing the pain in your eyes. Hearing it in your voice. Bad tears. Hearing you say I'm not good enough. Wanting a divorce. Your broken heart. Your surgeries. Your struggle. Bad tears. Missing you. Wanting you. Needing you. Still loving you. Bad tears. 

I cried during the good times. I cried during the bad. The emotions I feel for you, I have never felt. I tried to explain to you what being with you felt like and meant to me.

It meant everything. 

 

I Know

I know you think I didn't care. I always did. I cared so much. I knew you hurt. I knew you were always in pain. You hid it well sometimes. Sometimes I could just look at you and see. I always wanted to help you. I hated knowing that you lived with so much discomfort. I wanted to fix you. I wanted you better. You have a beautiful stomach. But all that pain inside it was crushing for me. That's why I would always kiss your tummy, or when I held you from behind, I wanted my hands on your tummy. I wanted you to know that I knew. I always knew. That was my way of showing you I won't forget what you are going through. You are too beautiful and too wonderful to be in so much pain. 

I always knew. I always wanted to help. 

About You

I always tried to tell you how special you are to me. Sometimes I didn't show it very well. But God I knew it. When I would look at you and you would get mad at me for staring, I wasn't trying to be rude or make you feel uncomfortable, I was just in awe of you. You are so amazing. Following every curve of your perfect face, every strand of hair, I was mesmerized. How could someone so perfect be right next to me? Your eyes glistened. Your beautiful mind never stopped. Your soft, flawless skin. Malania, you were every wish, every dream, every hope. You were everything. 

You're not just a woman and a mother...

...you're an angel. 

And I know we are in a bad place right now. I hate it. I hate the things we say to each other. We are both upset. 

But I will always forgive you. 

And I will always love you. 

The Real Lie

I could say, I wish we never happened. I wish the last three years of my life could be erased. 

But it would be a lie. 

It was the best time of my life. Yes, there have been moments that were the worst of my life too, but they were just moments. Moments, in three years of so much joy, so much happiness. 

We WERE happy together. You can't deny that. All of those times spent together, laughing, smiling, holding. Adventures together, trips, walks, holidays, events, sports, photos, birth. None of that was a lie. It was real. It was us. It was how we were meant to be. You're lying to yourself if you didn't feel that too. 

I wish you would have forgiven me. I wish I wouldn't have done the things I did. We could be doing good, then something happens and your mind would go back. I wanted you to see what you meant to me. I was truly completely happy with you. I wanted so bad for you to feel that way with me. You did. But that feeling got buried in all the mistakes. 

Is it still in there? Buried inside you? I don't know. Sometimes I think it is. Sometimes I don't. I wish you would have believed in me. Trusted me to be your protector, your friend, your companion. I was truly happy with you. You were, are and always will be my world. 

Names

All the names and compliments I've called and said to you in the last three years:

Malania, Beautiful, Sexy, Hot, Stunning, Gorgeous, Amazing, Wonderful, Awesome, Girlfriend, Fiancé, Wife, Partner, Friend, Companion, Superwoman, Supermom, Wonderwoman, Creative, Smart, Brilliant, Loving, Caring, Special, Unique, Honey, Baby.......and Perfect. 

I still put you on a pedestal. Even today.