Protect

I know you want to feel protected, safe, and have someone to make you feel that way. Honey, you had the right person with me. A uniform doesn't make you courageous. I'm sorry you put so much into someone who wears one. I'm not scared to die for you. I don't need a uniform to protect you. Never did. Never will. 

You know I've never been in a fight. Does that make me bad? Does that make me weak? No. Because I haven't needed to be. Do you think maybe no one wants to fight me? And yes, I have been in a fight. Once. He opened my car door and kicked me in the face. I stepped out. I warned him. He kept on. Maybe six to eight swings. He never touched me. I didn't want to hit him. It wasn't worth it. I told him you don't want to do this. He got the hint and left. 

Just think if it was someone trying to hurt you. There would be no stopping me. You have no idea what I'm capable of if you or the kids were threatened. You haven't seen it. For the sake of whoever tried, they don't want to see it either. 

I don't know why you think a uniform makes someone more protective or a better person. If that day ever comes when someone tried to do something to you or the kids, they will never do it again if I'm there or I find out. With me, that is how it was. I hope to hell you realize that. 

Reasons Pt. 9

"Romance might seem like a pastime for the young or dating. Truly, romance is for everyone, especially married people who want to keep their marriage fresh and new. Yes, the honeymoon period will end, and you'll have to face the realities of a lifetime of responsibilities. But love will die if you don't nourish it. Romance is the nourishment. Tell your spouse you love him or her in ways big and small. Kiss and hug. Do special things for each other. Make sure no one is taken for granted. Everyone should feel special and loved. Your marriage is your number one priority, and romancing your spouse is a great way to remind him or her."

God I was trying. Always trying to be as close to you as I could. Always kissing you, wanting to hold you, telling you I love you and what you mean to me. Always wanting to be a part of what was going on, from photos to just going with you to Walmart. I was always trying to help you any way I could. Helping clean, helping with laundry, cooking, dishes, homework, yard work, anything. I wanted you to know how special it was being there with you and for you. Bringing you new socks, new boots, clothes, candy. Surprising you with Starbucks. I just wanted to see you smile. I wanted to make you feel good. Rubbing your back anytime I could. I wanted to relax you. Heal your pain. Calm you. The problem was the past. Every time you thought about it, you would get upset. I wish you knew how bad I felt for putting you through everything I did. I just wanted you to know that I knew that, and I was trying everything to show you that the bad was over and we could build a new future together, one filled with joy, compassion, love, understanding, honesty, trust and the hope of many more years of companionship. If the roles were reversed, I would have believed in you. I wouldn't have given up. I would have seen that you were trying anything to save us and not argue. I would have seen all the steps you were taking to make things right, to correct all your mistakes. Why? Because I completely love you. I always will. Yes, good things take time. We have time. It was only going to get better. 

Reasons Pt. 8

"You don't have to forget the ways you have been done wrong or the experiences that are shaping your opinions and your relationship. But you must learn to forgive your spouse, especially if he or she is genuinely trying to rectify the situation by apologizing and taking steps to fix the mistake or bad behavior. Even if your spouse does something awful that ends your relationship, you still have to find a way to forgive him or her. You don't have to do it for them. But you must do it for yourself. Anger and resentment will eventually wear you down."

I just wanted you to see me for who I really am, who I have become. Being with you, I learned what was important in life. Worrying about what was going on in other peoples lives, celebrities, stupid shit like that, didn't matter anymore. What was important was what we had under our roof. My priority was you and the kids. That's it. And it still is. I didn't want you thinking I wanted out, there was someone better or someplace better I wanted to be. I just wanted to be there with you. Plain and simple. I wish my past didn't weigh so heavy on your brain. All I wanted was a future with you. I know there are things you can't forget, but I had hoped all the effort I was trying to show you would help you see that I was trying for you. I wanted to be a positive role model, but when the past would come up, it would upset me. 

Reasons Pt. 7

"Compromising is an essential part of life - for everything from getting promoted at work to having a successful marriage. You can't always get your way, but you should be able to discuss your needs and desires. And your spouse should be able to discuss his or hers. Then, together, you must find ways to negotiate and reach a middle ground that satisfies both of you. If you can't do this, you or your partner (or worse, both of you) will start to build resentment. This will serve as a poison that could kill your marriage."

A big one. Compromise. We butted heads so many times. My past. I shouldn't have gotten so upset when you questioned. I should have sat you down, as many times as it took, and reassured you that you were my new beginning. You were my life and I didn't need anything else. Names. Instead of arguing and fighting over names, we should have sat down and talked. Looking back, it was a non-issue. A name doesn't make a marriage. Being together does. The name of a child shouldn't matter. He is still our son. Without those two issues, the broken promises and walking out would never have happened. 

Reasons Pt. 6

"The way you fight with one another can set the tone for your marriage. Listen, there's no way you can avoid fighting. You're going to disagree, and you're going to have to confront one another about it. It's actually part of a healthy marriage. But it won't be healthy at all if you are the kind of fighter who smacks your partner or calls him or her names. You have to learn to fight fairly in marriage just as you did on the playground in elementary school. Be a grown up and communicate without the low blows."

First, I would never lay a hand on you to hurt you. Ever. Second, I would never say anything negative about you or call you something you aren't. There were times you misunderstood what I was trying to say and you thought I was saying something mean or bad to you. I could never. You were my angel. I would always try and encourage you and remind you what a wonderful mother, an incredible wife, and just an all around beautiful person you are. I wasn't going to beat you down with names, I couldn't. You're too sweet for that. 

Reasons Pt. 5

"While you must make time to spend together, you also need some time to yourself. Loving and caring for yourself - from reading a favorite book to taking a walk to the store - allows you the chance to clear your mind and miss your spouse. If you are always together, you'll eventually smother one another. Plus, having separate hobbies, interests, or activities, gives you interesting things to discuss with one another once you are together again."

I hated leaving you and going to work. I missed you so much. At first, you missed me too. I remember coming home from work and when I would get close I would text you Kickapoooooo! You would reply yay!!! I loved that. I loved knowing you were excited to see me. The times we would argue or fight, I would leave. Not to abandon you, but to create space, a cool off period to think, so we didn't scream at each other. A time to figure out why we were arguing. It wasn't to make you feel lonely. I hated being away from you. If I knew the damage it was causing, God, if I only knew. 

Reasons Pt. 4

"Your in-laws probably stink. They make your life difficult and your marriage harder than it probably has to be. They are annoying and maybe even a little crazy. We get it. We've all been there. But talking badly about them or complaining about them to your spouse only hurts his or her feelings and does not resolve any issues. Vent to other people - from a therapist to your mom, but keep your spouse out of it. Be kind to your in-laws and when in-law issues come up that you must address with your spouse, remain calm and diplomatic. Period."

Big issue for us. In-laws. At first, things were good. I met your parents, you met mine. I know my parents loved you. They thought you were sweet, wonderful, strong, just a great woman. I'm not sure what your parents thought of me. I hoped they liked me. From what I saw of them in the beginning, they seemed like they cared about you. They would come help when you needed it. They were there for birthdays, inviting us out. Everything seemed normal. Then you told me your experiences. I was disgusted about the things you would say. I believed you. You wouldn't lie about things like that. I made the mistake, as said earlier, of thinking they cared. That's why I went to them for help. And like I said earlier, huge mistake. As time went on and other issues(sister) arose, I saw their true colors, all the things you told me, I saw. 

My parents. I made the mistake of not being open with them. They care about us. The care about the kids. Yes, they should have called you more to see how you were doing. They should have been more active in our lives, not just calling me, but trying to keep in touch with you too. They should have showed you more what you mean to them. They believed in us enough to help us buy a house. I'm sorry they didn't show you enough how much having you as a part of family meant to them.