Things

I miss you so much. I don't know if you care or not. But I do. Waking up next to you. Hearing you blowdry your hair in the mornings. Talking sports. Talking photography. Lunch. Dinner. Your ideas. Holding your hand. Rubbing your back. Kissing your lips. The little point on your upper lip. Your beautiful belly button. Your menus. Laundry. Your pillows. Everything. Every little thing you did was my life. And I loved it so much. 

I hope you care. 

Even after...

...all of this. The silence. All the other guys you talk to or see. All the names. You not caring. After all of that...

...I still love you more than anything on earth. I still care about you more than anything. 

Is that desperation? No. That is devotion. That is commitment. That is true love in the purest sense. 

I would still give anything for you. After everything, if you had done everything to me what I did to you, I would hold you in my arms, look you in the eyes, and tell you...

"...we will be ok, I know you were trying anything you could to keep us together and not to fight with me. And for that, I appreciate your effort, it meant you cared about us and would do anything to save us, and I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for trying so hard. I love you honey, I always will."

Why? Because people make mistakes. Even the marriages that last a lifetime go through really bad times. But they don't give up on each other. I never did. People will do anything to help and try to save something that is so special to them. Do they do everything the right way? No. But they try. If it is a lie or broken promise, it's not to hurt that person, it's to hide their own flaws, but it doesn't mean they don't love that person. 

What I'm trying to say, I wouldn't have given up on you. We had something really special. We had real fun together. We loved being together. And that's not something you just give up on. 

Time

It's time to go for help. The silence is too much. I didn't stay to have this happen. I stayed to be close, to be here for you like I promised you. Now, you won't even talk. 

Protect

I know you want to feel protected, safe, and have someone to make you feel that way. Honey, you had the right person with me. A uniform doesn't make you courageous. I'm sorry you put so much into someone who wears one. I'm not scared to die for you. I don't need a uniform to protect you. Never did. Never will. 

You know I've never been in a fight. Does that make me bad? Does that make me weak? No. Because I haven't needed to be. Do you think maybe no one wants to fight me? And yes, I have been in a fight. Once. He opened my car door and kicked me in the face. I stepped out. I warned him. He kept on. Maybe six to eight swings. He never touched me. I didn't want to hit him. It wasn't worth it. I told him you don't want to do this. He got the hint and left. 

Just think if it was someone trying to hurt you. There would be no stopping me. You have no idea what I'm capable of if you or the kids were threatened. You haven't seen it. For the sake of whoever tried, they don't want to see it either. 

I don't know why you think a uniform makes someone more protective or a better person. If that day ever comes when someone tried to do something to you or the kids, they will never do it again if I'm there or I find out. With me, that is how it was. I hope to hell you realize that. 

Reasons Pt. 9

"Romance might seem like a pastime for the young or dating. Truly, romance is for everyone, especially married people who want to keep their marriage fresh and new. Yes, the honeymoon period will end, and you'll have to face the realities of a lifetime of responsibilities. But love will die if you don't nourish it. Romance is the nourishment. Tell your spouse you love him or her in ways big and small. Kiss and hug. Do special things for each other. Make sure no one is taken for granted. Everyone should feel special and loved. Your marriage is your number one priority, and romancing your spouse is a great way to remind him or her."

God I was trying. Always trying to be as close to you as I could. Always kissing you, wanting to hold you, telling you I love you and what you mean to me. Always wanting to be a part of what was going on, from photos to just going with you to Walmart. I was always trying to help you any way I could. Helping clean, helping with laundry, cooking, dishes, homework, yard work, anything. I wanted you to know how special it was being there with you and for you. Bringing you new socks, new boots, clothes, candy. Surprising you with Starbucks. I just wanted to see you smile. I wanted to make you feel good. Rubbing your back anytime I could. I wanted to relax you. Heal your pain. Calm you. The problem was the past. Every time you thought about it, you would get upset. I wish you knew how bad I felt for putting you through everything I did. I just wanted you to know that I knew that, and I was trying everything to show you that the bad was over and we could build a new future together, one filled with joy, compassion, love, understanding, honesty, trust and the hope of many more years of companionship. If the roles were reversed, I would have believed in you. I wouldn't have given up. I would have seen that you were trying anything to save us and not argue. I would have seen all the steps you were taking to make things right, to correct all your mistakes. Why? Because I completely love you. I always will. Yes, good things take time. We have time. It was only going to get better. 

Reasons Pt. 8

"You don't have to forget the ways you have been done wrong or the experiences that are shaping your opinions and your relationship. But you must learn to forgive your spouse, especially if he or she is genuinely trying to rectify the situation by apologizing and taking steps to fix the mistake or bad behavior. Even if your spouse does something awful that ends your relationship, you still have to find a way to forgive him or her. You don't have to do it for them. But you must do it for yourself. Anger and resentment will eventually wear you down."

I just wanted you to see me for who I really am, who I have become. Being with you, I learned what was important in life. Worrying about what was going on in other peoples lives, celebrities, stupid shit like that, didn't matter anymore. What was important was what we had under our roof. My priority was you and the kids. That's it. And it still is. I didn't want you thinking I wanted out, there was someone better or someplace better I wanted to be. I just wanted to be there with you. Plain and simple. I wish my past didn't weigh so heavy on your brain. All I wanted was a future with you. I know there are things you can't forget, but I had hoped all the effort I was trying to show you would help you see that I was trying for you. I wanted to be a positive role model, but when the past would come up, it would upset me. 

Reasons Pt. 7

"Compromising is an essential part of life - for everything from getting promoted at work to having a successful marriage. You can't always get your way, but you should be able to discuss your needs and desires. And your spouse should be able to discuss his or hers. Then, together, you must find ways to negotiate and reach a middle ground that satisfies both of you. If you can't do this, you or your partner (or worse, both of you) will start to build resentment. This will serve as a poison that could kill your marriage."

A big one. Compromise. We butted heads so many times. My past. I shouldn't have gotten so upset when you questioned. I should have sat you down, as many times as it took, and reassured you that you were my new beginning. You were my life and I didn't need anything else. Names. Instead of arguing and fighting over names, we should have sat down and talked. Looking back, it was a non-issue. A name doesn't make a marriage. Being together does. The name of a child shouldn't matter. He is still our son. Without those two issues, the broken promises and walking out would never have happened.